Battleground

I had a panic attack a few nights ago.

It had been years since I’d had one, or at least one of that scale. I couldn’t catch my breath, my stomach was in knots, and even though all I wanted to do was sleep, I laid wide awake in my queen size.

I stayed up almost the entire night, and boy did I pay for it the next day. Upon arriving at my office, I sluggishly made my way over to the espresso machine and downed a double shot. I sat at my desk, exhausted, and still not fully recovered from the overwhelming emotions of night before.

I went through the motions, doing what I needed to do: answer emails, make phone calls, drink more espresso - ya know, adult things.

When 5 o’clock rolled around, I packed up my things, closed the office, and drove home. After eating some lukewarm leftovers for dinner (I definitely could have microwaved them longer, but my espresso had just worn off), I sat on the couch and pulled out my phone, intending to scroll through Tik Tok until my eyelids felt heavy enough to go to sleep.

As I sat down though, something caught my eye - it was a book that my boyfriend’s mom purchased for me awhile back called “Get Out of Your Head.” I looked back down at my phone, but something in me forced my attention back to the book. Okay God, I thought, I’ll bite.

Author Jennie Allen had me fully invested after the first 5 sentences. In a gorgeous combination of Theology and neuroscience, she explains how the enemy has taken control of our minds, and how he continues to attack not by outright hurting us, but by using our own thoughts to trap us in endless spirals of anxiety.

Yikes.

My panic attack from a few nights prior was brought on by one of these spirals. At some point during the day, my boyfriend had replied to something that I had said with low enthusiasm.

“He’s losing interest in you” my enemy whispered, “he is going to leave you.”

And just like that, my brain had jumped all the way from A to Z, filling in every single blank along the way. With little to no evidence, I had come to the conclusion that the love of my life was no longer attracted to me, never actually loved me, and the only reason that our relationship has gone on as long as it has is because he’s too scared to tell me that he doesn’t want to be with me.

Woah.

I wasn’t up all night worrying about something that had actually happened to me - no, the reason that I was sleepless and exhausted was because of a scenario that never even happened. I made myself miserable, and all the enemy had to do was make a suggestion.

Is my psyche really that fragile? Are my thoughts truly that easily persuaded? I sat in bed pondering these things, wondering where else I had allowed such lies to take root.

It became clear to me that in almost every area of my life, I was under mental attack - anxious about my relationship, ungrateful for my job, lazy in my scripture reading & church attendance…the list went on and on, and by the end of it, there were more areas of my life that the devil was digging his ugly hands into than not.

And that really pissed me off.

I didn’t want to be numb anymore. I didn’t want to be anxious anymore. I wanted to feel like myself again. I wanted to feel confident and sure, and thankfully, I knew exactly where to start (shoutout Jennie Allen).

I drew a mental map of everything that was bothering me, along with all of the possible outcomes that my brain could possibly imagine. I then forced myself to read every single one out loud, and you know what? They all sounded absolutely ridiculous.

Don’t get me wrong, it took a couple of readings before the ridiculousness actually came out - the first couple of times I was still like “yeah, that makes sense.”

But you see, it’s very easy for us to get lost in our own brains. We are able to take something that is completely preposterous in the real world and then rationalize it, giving it a permanent home in our minds. We fixate and stew and mull it over again and again and again, and each time we think that thought, it starts to feel more real.

But it’s not real. It’s just a thought. And what are we called to do with our thoughts?

Submit them to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says:

“We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.”

Did you get that? Every. Single. Thought.

Every thought that enters and leaves your wrinkled brain is to be submitted to Christ - whether it’s about something serious or something mundane. If we do not submit our thoughts to Christ, our minds become a playground for the devil to run rampant. He will take any and every opportunity you give him to wreak havoc, and he will use the greatest weapon that he can to take you down - yourself.

The war we are fighting is not in front of us, but inside of us. The enemy is picking fights between our ears, and we’re not only allowing it, we’re encouraging it. Every single time that we indulge in the anxious thoughts he whispers in our ear, we are falling for his trap.

No more.

It’s time to wake up.

This is war.

Now, hear me say that wars are not won overnight. Unraveling all of the lies that he has so deeply woven into your subconscious are going to take awhile to locate and uproot. You are going to need to give yourself time, and most of all, grace.

I realize now that a lot of my anxious thoughts have roots deeper than the initial thought itself - things like “I am unloveable” and “I am worthless” are the culprits behind the crimes my brain commits against itself.

Let’s take my recent panic attack for example. What started with a mildly unenthusiastic word from my boyfriend jumped to:

> I’m annoying him.

> I’ve probably been annoying him for awhile now.

> I need to stop talking so much so I don’t annoy him.

> He’s going to leave me if I keep annoying him.

> He wants to leave, but he’s too scared to.

> He doesn’t actually love me anymore.

> I annoy everyone.

> Everyone leaves me.

> I am unlovable.

I know I’m not the only one who does this. I know that this is one of the most common forms of attack the enemy uses because it’s so sneaky that majority of the time we don’t even know it’s happening.

It starts with a thought, and ends in a never-ending spiral. The devil hands us a shovel, and we dig ourselves a 6-foot grave and jump right in.

We have got to get ahold of ourselves.

Or, rather, let Christ take ahold of us.

A lot of our anxious thoughts go back to our illusion of control. We have this delusion that if we worry about something enough, we’ll be prepared for it when it happens and therefore will lessen the negative effects - which is exactly what I said, a delusion.

How do I know that?

Well, for starters, my boyfriend and I are still together.

I spent an entire night fixating on an issue that didn’t exist outside of my mind. I was up all night panicking about what could happen, and it never even happened.

I told him about my ridiculous spiral the next day. He first assured me that he wasn’t going to leave me, and then followed it up with “don’t be dumb.”

We cannot keep letting the devil’s whispers run free in our minds. Your brain is a precious creation, given to you in full complexity from the One who understands it best because He created you. He knows every thought that you think before your synapses even have time to fire - let Him take care of the anxious ones.

Don’t allow yourself to be crushed under the weight of your thoughts. Your brain is a battleground, and the only way for you to win the war is to grab every thought by the neck and force it to submit to Jesus - He will take it from there.

Submitting your thoughts to Christ doesn’t mean that the bad thoughts go away - it’s actively choosing to have confidence in the fact that the One who sits on the throne is in control of your life, and that wasting another second worrying is a waste of the precious time He has given you on this earth. It’s knowing that your thoughts have no actual power over you, but Christ has executive power over them.

The battle is already won. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by your anxiety any longer. Do not dwell on the things that could be or should be, but instead, set your mind on the Truth: Jesus decided that you were to die for, and in doing so, took on the burden of sin that you could not carry. Cast your anxieties onto Him, for He cares for you.


Link to Get Out of Your Head:


*Disclaimer - as someone who studied psychology in college and suffers from hereditary anxiety, I know that many of you reading this experience a kind of anxiety that is rooted solely in the chemicals of your brain. Please do not read this and think that I am saying “just pray it away” or anything of the sort. While I do believe that God can do anything, including heal mental illness, I am not blind to the dark reality of anxiety and depression that exists in millions of people’s lives. While you can still choose to submit your thoughts to Christ, there is no shame in seeking treatment in the forms of therapy or medication. Going to therapy has been one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Some anxieties simply cannot be managed by yourself, so do not feel like you need to do it all alone. Asking for help is not weak, it is brave.

In His Image

If you follow me on twitter, then you know that a few days ago I tweeted out that I wanted suggestions for what to post about next. I received so many wonderful ideas (they're all stored away in my notebook), but the most common topic of interest by far was self love.

I've spent a lot of time in prayer lately specifically asking God to make my heart hurt for what makes His heart hurt, and having so many of you beautiful young ladies telling me you need to learn how to love yourselves nearly broke my heart in two. 

You see, we live in a world that has laid out in black and white ink what it means to be "beautiful." The world says that in order to be "beautiful" you have to have clear skin and straight teeth and shiny hair. The world says that in order to be "beautiful" you have to have a lot of money and a successful career. The world says that in order to be "beautiful" you have to be as skinny as a Victoria's Secret model - and if you don't fit the bill, the world knows how to make you feel so absolutely terrible about yourself that you feel compelled to change and conform.

But there are a few very important things I want you to keep in mind.

When the Bible says that you are made in the image of God, it's not talking about the human race as a whole. The "you" it's referring to is you specifically. 

Yes, you.

The one reading this. 

You are made in the image of God -

and my goodness He is beautiful.

There are so many verses that talk about the beauty of Christ -

Psalm 27:4 - “One thing I have asked of the Lord: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.”

Isaiah 28:5 - "Then at last the LORD of Heaven's Armies will himself be Israel's glorious and beautiful crown. He will be the pride and joy of the remnant of his people."

Isaiah 33:17 - "Your eyes will see the King in His beauty and view a land that stretches afar."

- and those are just a few. People in both the Old and New Testaments wrote about the unmatchable beauty of God. He is gorgeous beyond measure, and He thought you were good enough to make in His very own image. Not only that, but He hand selected each of your traits.

Think about the thing that you dislike most about yourself, whether it be physically or personality wise. Would you hate this thing so much if you thought about it as a gift specially designed for you?

Because that's exactly what it is.

God put thought into every aspect of you. He took time knitting you together in the womb. He picked the color of your eyes and thickness of your hair. He chose how deep your voice is and the sound of your laugh. He picked the size of your feet and drew the lines of your fingerprints. He put dreams in your head and desires in your heart. His work can be seen in the tiniest details of you. 

God does not see you the way you see you. He looks at you and sees nothing but beauty - and if the Author of Life looks at you like that, you have 100% permission to look at yourself in that same way...and you absolutely should. 

You are a beautiful creation made in His image.

He made you exactly how you are supposed to be.

 He doesn't make mistakes.

You are beautiful by His standards -

and His opinion is the only one that matters. 

___________

P.S. - if you like music, here's a couple awesome songs that I think compliment this message!

Details - Sarah Reeves

Beloved - Jordan Feliz

Learning to Walk

I'm back!

I haven't been able to post for awhile because I was sick with some kind of terrible plague (and by plague, I mean a head cold - but it felt like the plague). I'm better now though, so let's do this!

I recently attended a Salt Company retreat at a cute little camp called Hidden Acres. Mark Vance (a pastor at Cornerstone Church in Ames) spoke, & I swear some of the things he said were meant specifically for me. I left feeling filled to the brim with love for Jesus. 

One of the things that he talked about was the story of the prodigal son from Luke 15. If you're unfamiliar with this story, let me fill you in:

Basically a father has two sons. The older of the sons is hardworking & determined to make the father proud, while the younger is irresponsible & resentful towards him. One day, the younger of the two sons tells his dad that he wants his inheritance immediately, then takes his money & goes into the city where he blows his entire life's savings on gambling, prostitutes, and other worldly pleasures. Eventually, he comes to the realization that he's going to have to return to his father if he wants food or a roof over his head. On the journey home, he rehearses what he's going to say to his father the entire time: "Father, I have sinned against heaven & against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your slaves." He knew that he messed up & was ready to live the life of a slave.

However, before he had even stepped foot on the property, his father saw him and ran to him. Instead of the rage & disappointment he expected, he was met with compassion and love from his father. He threw a big party in honor of his arriving home. 

Wait, what?

I think we can all agree that he messed up pretty badly, so why on earth did his father throw a welcome home party? Well, the answer is simple really - 

because he loves him. 

Think of it this way: he didn't care how badly he messed up, he was just overjoyed by the fact that his son was home!

The coolest part is that this is exactly how God looks at us. 

We sin constantly. Not a single day goes by where we don't sin. Not one. Yet our Heavenly Father loves us the exact same. No matter how far we stray, how often we sin, or how badly we mess up, He loves us the exact same. 

It was explained to me this way: 

Let's say it's a couple years down the road & you have a baby, & that baby is just learning how to walk. They stumble about, sometimes running into things, sometimes hurting themselves, and toppling over often. They take a few steps, but then they fall down. Would you be angry with them for falling? Of course not! You would be overjoyed by their stumbling, because that means that they're developing correctly. 

God doesn't look at your sin with disappointment, Jesus took care of that. Because of the cross He looks at us with nothing but warm smiles and the love of a parent. He knows that you're not perfect & that you're going to mess up (a lot!), but He is glowing at the fact that you're bumbling and stumbling around because it means that you're trying to walk towards Him. 

You are allowed to mess up. Don't beat yourself up over it.

He loves you no matter what, & He is oh so proud of you.

Keep stumbling baby!

"The Defense Would Like to Call the Next Witness to the Stand..."

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

In Acts chapter 26, Paul defends himself to King Agrippa against accusations made by the Jews. He hadn't done anything wrong, but Christians were a highly persecuted people by Jews and Gentiles alike (sound familiar?). If you are familiar with the story of Paul, then you know about the whole Saul to Paul transformation. If you haven't heard this story, let me give you a brief synopsis:

Paul used to be called Saul-King Saul, actually. He was not a good man - he persecuted saints; throwing them in jail and even sentencing them to death. He pillaged synagogues and even traveled to other cities to put believers to death. His life took a complete 180 however, when Jesus Christ himself appeared to him and told him that He was changing Saul's name to Paul and was sending him out to be a witness for God. Paul did exactly that, eventually becoming one of the most influential witnesses for Christ ever.

So when Paul was called to testify and defend himself, he told Agrippa his story - just like he told everyone else. He told him about his own experiences. He told him the truth. 

The people in the king's court didn't respond very kindly - they called him insane, saying that he was out of his mind. Paul gently replied that he was not crazy, that he was just telling the truth. Turning to the king, he asked Agrippa if he believed the teaching of prophets (basically, "do you believe that Jesus is the Messiah?"), to which Agrippa replied "do you think you can persuade me to become a Christian in such a short time?" (Acts 26:28). 

Paul replied, "short time or long - I pray God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains" (Acts 26:29). 

Now how amazing is that?

Paul demonstrated perfectly what it looks like to be a true witness for Christ. If you watch T.V. shows like Law and Order or other courtroom dramas, you know that the job of the witness is to go up to the stand, swear on the Bible to tell the truth, and report to the courtroom what they experienced. It is not the witness's job to decide who's guilty and who's innocent, that's the judge's job. All the witness has to do is tell the truth. 

If you call yourself a follower of Christ, then you are called to be a witness for Him. Kind of intimidating right? Well, the way you're thinking about it, it probably sounds like it - but I promise that it's not as hard as you think. 

You don't have to know all of the answers to be a witness. If someone asks you something about the bible and you don't know the answer - 

listen up, I'm about to blow your mind

- that's 100% okay. In fact, it's expected. No one has all of the answers! It's totally fine to tell someone who has challenged your beliefs that you don't know the answer to one of their questions. All you have to say is "that's a good question! Maybe I can look into it and we can meet up and talk about what I find" or "I don't know, all I know is what my experiences are."

As long as your response is full of respect and love, then you did your job as a witness. You shouldn't shove your beliefs down the person's throat (as much as I would like to - but people don't like being choked or smothered by the Gospel, believe it or not). All you have to do is tell people the truth - that Jesus Christ is the son of God, was sent to earth to live a blameless life, died on the cross for our sins, and conquered sin and death by rising from the dead. 

That same spirit that rose Jesus from the dead is alive inside of you -

What are you going to do with that power?

Will you be a witness for Christ?