Hot Mess

My dating life is a complete mess.

It's been a mess for awhile - since second semester my junior year of high school, to be exact.

Going into my freshman year of college, I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship with a boy that I had started dating in high school. He was sweet and funny, and we shared a lot of common interests. When that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity. 

Yet I still thought that I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a couple months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was mysterious and artistic, and he made me mixtapes filled with all kinds of incredible music. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a few more months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was a Christian and went to church with me, prayed with me, took me on dates, and was respectful. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Are you seeing the pattern yet?

All of my romantic relationships have followed the same timeline. For the first few months, it's amazing. It's exciting getting to know someone and go on dates and ride that "honeymoon high." I do everything I can to make the guy happy, even if it means compromising my morals to do so. Eventually, when the excitement fades, communication becomes sparse and I'm filled with anxiety. Not wanting to put myself through a breakup, this is about the time that I start compromising my morals to try to get them to stay. It never works, the fighting continues and escalates, and it results in a breakup. Every. Single. Time.

You would think that after years of repetition, I would figure out what I was doing wrong and fix it. It wasn't until this summer that I finally found the key.

You see, I really desire marriage - I spend way too much time thinking about the ring, the dress, the venue... spending eternity with the person I love is my dream. I want it so badly that it clouds my judgment in relationships and makes me want to hold onto the wrong boys.

After my last boyfriend and I broke up, I wrote a letter to God. In the letter, I wrote:

"I give my heart away to any person who asks for it. I'm tired, Father. I'm tired of trying to find satisfaction in boys when you're the only one who can satisfy. Tonight, I only have one request - that you take my heart in its entirety and hold onto it until the right boy comes. Until then, keep it safe and protected, guard it, and fill it in the way that only You can."

And let me tell you -

God did some wild things.

Instead of feeling broken and devastated the next morning (as you usually do after a breakup), I felt peaceful. Don't get me wrong, a lot of pain was still there - but amidst all of the pain I felt this gentle, incredible warmth. It was like I was being wrapped in a gigantic hug, and it stayed with me throughout the day.

Day by day, I got stronger. More independent.

I started reading my Bible and journaling more. Instead of writing normal prayers, it was kind of like having a pen pal - I told Him how my day went and was honest about my feelings. I shared everything ranging from my most anxious of thoughts to my loftiest dream.

I started to take better care of myself. Not because I wanted to impress anyone, but because I wanted to take better care of the body God created for me. I got on a regular exercise regimen and cut out sugar, and I started getting more sleep a night.

And then something amazing happened.

I woke up one day and felt total satisfaction. I can't even describe it, I feel like a totally new person. Every person that I see gets a smile, and I have this overwhelming urge to tell everyone how amazing and loved they are. I look in the mirror and I adore my reflection. I go to church and I worship with both hands up without a care in the world. I've stopped blaming myself for everything, and I feel at peace with mistakes that I had made in the past. I have fallen completely in love with myself -

and it's all because I have completely fallen in love with Jesus.

Psalm 139:13 says:

"You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well."

God made your heart, you can trust Him to take care of it. I was a hot mess for so long, but when I gave Jesus my whole heart, He filled me to the brim with love. He satisfied my every want. This is truly the best thing that I have ever done for myself; I have never felt so secure. I no longer seek comfort from boys, and in fact, I don't even feel like I need a boyfriend - I've got other things to do!

What I realized is that I spent so much time pining after a marriage and the future that I wasn't enjoying what was right in front of me. I was living in a "what if" world, and it kept me from feeling satisfied. God was blessing me with gift after gift, and I was so focused on my future that I didn't even notice.

I don't want to miss any more time - these are years of my life that I can never get back. I want to live them as fully as possible, so someday when I actually am married I can look back and feel content knowing that I took nothing for granted. That "someday" could be 5 years from now, or it could be 15 -

why would I waste that precious time worrying about my future when it's already taken care of?

Learn to trust in His perfect timing.

Learn to live in the present, it truly is a gift.

Learn to love Jesus. It'll help you love yourself more. It'll help you love others more.

_________________________

Songs to listen to while you learn to love yourself (and be completely satisfied in Jesus!):

Something About You - Sarah Reeves

Shadow Step - Hillsong United

Found in You - Vertical Worship

You Make Me Brave - Amanda Cook, Bethel Music

Let Them See You - JJ Weeks Band

_________________________

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xo

@thelightclctive

In Times of Trial

For the past few weeks, God has really been putting it on my heart to read Job. I've heard the story a million times, but He has opened my eyes to a couple new revelations that I want to share with you. For those of you unfamiliar with Job's story, let me fill you in:

Job was completely blameless and lived a life that was pleasing to the Lord. Because of this, God blessed him abundantly - he had a wonderful family, tons of livestock (which was a sign of extreme wealth), and good health. One day, Satan came to present himself before the Lord. The two talk and God agrees to let Satan test Job two times to prove that he truly is a man who fears the Lord. In the first test, God allows Satan to take away his sons, daughters, and his livestock. In the second test, God allows Satan to inflict great wounds upon Job. Job becomes miserable and curses the day he was born.

Pretty heavy stuff, huh?

In the end, God blesses Job with twice the amount of what he had before. More livestock, happy family, better health...but despite the blessings, it's hard to look back on all of the terrible things that happened and see God's goodness.

I'm sure you've heard over and over "God is good all the time, and all the time God is good." But when tragedy strikes, how can we be sure? Job suffered so greatly, and for what? To prove a point to Satan? If God is so good, why does He allow bad things to happen? How good is God really? 

In this life, terrible things are going to happen. This world is beyond imperfect, and unfortunately that's never going to change. There is however, something to keep in mind -

As much as you may hate to hear it, that cliché saying is 100% correct - God really is good. In fact, God is so good that he repurposes your pain and positions you to receive blessings in the future. He works through all of the hurt that you're feeling and builds up your faith. You may come out the other side scarred, but those scars will serve as a reminder of where you came from and what you can overcome with God on your side (and He is on your side, I promise!).

I see so often that when people experience a tragic event, they distance themselves from God. I'm guilty of this - when my mom had cancer, I refused to pray for months because I was so angry with Him, and I was scared that He was going to tell me that I was going to lose her. I no longer enjoyed going to church, and I stopped reading my Bible. I felt abandoned and depressed. It wasn't until I went to a summer church camp that I realized that the only person I was hurting in distancing myself from God was myself. God had not abandoned me, I had simply moved away from Him. I reopened my heart to Him and He filled me with such incredible peace. He completely restored the joy that had seemingly disappeared from my life.

When you allow God to use your pain to grow you faith in Him, it's kind of like leveling up in a video game. Sure, there's gonna be new twists and turns and monsters to fight, but you've got new weapons and armor. New doors will open for you. 

It may still be difficult to understand why Job had to suffer so much. I'm sure many of us can relate to him in that way - I have received so many prayer requests and we're only one month into 2018. But take comfort in the fact that while it may be dark now, blessings are coming. Psalms 30:5 is a great reminder of this:

"Weeping may take you over at night, but joy comes in the morning."

 Job serves as a reminder to Christians to persevere through trials. Suffering is unavoidable, but the good news is that we serve a God who takes our pain and turns it into something beautiful. He is a good father, and He is the ultimate comforter.

He hasn't left your side.

Rejoice in His goodness.

You're going to be okay, because you're not alone -

He's right there with you. 

_________________________

If any of you are struggling with anything and would like some prayer, please shoot me an email, DM, or comment on this post!

_________________________

Songs to comfort you in your trials:

Hills & Valleys - Tauren Wells

Oh My Soul - Casting Crowns

I Won't Let You Go - Switchfoot

Even If - MercyMe

In His Image

If you follow me on twitter, then you know that a few days ago I tweeted out that I wanted suggestions for what to post about next. I received so many wonderful ideas (they're all stored away in my notebook), but the most common topic of interest by far was self love.

I've spent a lot of time in prayer lately specifically asking God to make my heart hurt for what makes His heart hurt, and having so many of you beautiful young ladies telling me you need to learn how to love yourselves nearly broke my heart in two. 

You see, we live in a world that has laid out in black and white ink what it means to be "beautiful." The world says that in order to be "beautiful" you have to have clear skin and straight teeth and shiny hair. The world says that in order to be "beautiful" you have to have a lot of money and a successful career. The world says that in order to be "beautiful" you have to be as skinny as a Victoria's Secret model - and if you don't fit the bill, the world knows how to make you feel so absolutely terrible about yourself that you feel compelled to change and conform.

But there are a few very important things I want you to keep in mind.

When the Bible says that you are made in the image of God, it's not talking about the human race as a whole. The "you" it's referring to is you specifically. 

Yes, you.

The one reading this. 

You are made in the image of God -

and my goodness He is beautiful.

There are so many verses that talk about the beauty of Christ -

Psalm 27:4 - “One thing I have asked of the Lord: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.”

Isaiah 28:5 - "Then at last the LORD of Heaven's Armies will himself be Israel's glorious and beautiful crown. He will be the pride and joy of the remnant of his people."

Isaiah 33:17 - "Your eyes will see the King in His beauty and view a land that stretches afar."

- and those are just a few. People in both the Old and New Testaments wrote about the unmatchable beauty of God. He is gorgeous beyond measure, and He thought you were good enough to make in His very own image. Not only that, but He hand selected each of your traits.

Think about the thing that you dislike most about yourself, whether it be physically or personality wise. Would you hate this thing so much if you thought about it as a gift specially designed for you?

Because that's exactly what it is.

God put thought into every aspect of you. He took time knitting you together in the womb. He picked the color of your eyes and thickness of your hair. He chose how deep your voice is and the sound of your laugh. He picked the size of your feet and drew the lines of your fingerprints. He put dreams in your head and desires in your heart. His work can be seen in the tiniest details of you. 

God does not see you the way you see you. He looks at you and sees nothing but beauty - and if the Author of Life looks at you like that, you have 100% permission to look at yourself in that same way...and you absolutely should. 

You are a beautiful creation made in His image.

He made you exactly how you are supposed to be.

 He doesn't make mistakes.

You are beautiful by His standards -

and His opinion is the only one that matters. 

___________

P.S. - if you like music, here's a couple awesome songs that I think compliment this message!

Details - Sarah Reeves

Beloved - Jordan Feliz