Having Faith Amidst Disappointment

I just graduated college in the middle of a global pandemic.

If you had asked me four years ago where I thought I was going to end up after graduation, never in a million years would I have said “unemployed and moving back in with my parents”. Never. If you had told freshman year Bailey that’s where she was headed, she would have dropped out.

And yet, that’s exactly where I am. I have the degree I worked so hard for, and every single job I have applied for has told me no. I won’t be able to afford to live on my own, so it seems that moving back in with my parents is the only option. I’ve lived on my own for four years, and now all of my furniture is going into a storage unit to collect cobwebs. My residence will be my childhood bedroom. My income will be next to nonexistent. I feel completely and utterly out of control - so here I am, degree in hand, completely lost and unsure about what’s next.

On top of all of that, I have now more than ever fallen into the social media comparison trap. I feel like there has been an enormous push on social media to really “take advantage of quarantine” - in other words, if you’re not exercising daily, eating healthy, or starting a business right now, then you’re wasting your time. I’ve been struggling on and off with this weird sense of guilt about not feeling motivated to do all of these things.

On the flip side of that guilty feeling is the reality that the current state of the world is…well, chaotic. I should be giving myself grace and being gentle with myself as I learn how to navigate this new situation, but I just can’t shake this overwhelming sense of guilt, dismay, and absolute defeat.

Disappointment doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about my current situation.

And it breaks my heart to know that so many of you are in the same boat.

I think we can all agree that the current state of the world sucks. It sucks. And there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. We are completely helpless and out of control.

So how do we move forward? How do we keep our faith when the disappointments just keep coming?

Well, the first thing we have to acknowledge is probably the most obvious: we were never in control in the first place.

We as humans constantly make the mistake of thinking that we are in control of our lives and what happens in them, and while we do make our own decisions and exercise our free will daily, it is crucial that we understand how involved God is. God doesn’t just sit and observe from above, He is an active participant in our lives. He controls what time you wake up and how many red lights you get stopped at on your way to work. He controls whether or not they’re out of toilet paper at the supermarket. He controls whether or not we have breath in our lungs and whether or not our hearts continue to beat. God is in the details of your life - even the ones that seem small and insignificant.

He is in control of everything.

The second truth that must be acknowledged is that God is good.

I know you read that, but read it again.

God does everything for the good of His holy kingdom. He is constantly preparing a place for us and moving the parts and pieces necessary to get us to the point of Christ’s return.

Here’s the thing though -

Yes, everything He does is for His kingdom, but we’re all heirs…so that kingdom He’s building? Yeah, that’s for you. You get to take part in that. You get to live with your Creator in paradise for eternity. Everything God does is for the good of the Kingdom, but you’re a part of that - meaning that He is so good that what is in the best interest of the kingdom is in your best interest as well.

I cannot stress this enough: God is good. He did not forget about you. Bad stuff is not happening to harm you, but to form you - form you into someone who is more like His perfect Son. Form you into the person you were created to be in the first place.

So if we take these two truths at face value, we can draw one conclusion: that this is all happening for a reason.

Now you’re probably thinking, “but Baileyyyy…that doesn’t make it any easier!”

Girl. I know.

I don’t think there’s anything that I could say to make this situation better for you, no matter how badly I want to. I struggle with my current reality daily. It’s not going to be easy for awhile, but you know what? We don’t need ease. You and me, we don’t need perfect. We don’t need simple.

We need to stand firm in our faith, draw near to the Father, and cling to the hope that we have in Him - and we do have hope in Him!

You’re going to be alright. You’re going to be able to look back at this absolute mess and be grateful about the way that it happened. At the end of it all, you’re going to be able to dust yourself off, smile, and say “wow, if I could make it through that, then I am beyond ready for whatever’s ahead of me.”

God is in the details of your life, and He will never abandon you. Every single thing-good and bad-is happening for your benefit. Find your peace in that.

And hey - you’re gonna be okay.

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This is a really weird time, and I know for a fact that I am not the only one struggling with the current state of my life. If you need prayer, please reach out to me! I want to create a community where praying for each other is the usual thing, so if you have any prayer, big or small, click here.

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Here’s some scripture to encourage you as you learn to navigate this season. Write these down, hang them on your mirror, and read them out loud to declare them over your life every time you see them!

Jeremiah 29:11 - “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans that are good for you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

1 Peter 1:3-4 - Because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead, we now live with great expectation. We have a priceless inheritance - an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.

Romans 12:12 - Rejoice and be confident in hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

and here’s some songs:

Already There - Casting Crowns

Breakthrough (Live) - Red Rocks Worship

Soul’s Anthem - Tori Kelly

Sweet Serendipity - Lee DeWyze

To the One (Live) - UPPERROOM

Come to Me (Spontaneous) - Bethel Music, Jenn & Brian Johnson

Gravity - Jenn & Brian Johnson

Call an Exterminator

A few weeks ago, my world got flipped upside down.

I’m not going to go into details, but just know that it was ugly. The depression that overcame me was so heavy I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to watch TV. I didn’t even want to sleep, but seeing as I couldn’t get myself to move from my bed, that’s how I spent most of my days.

Eventually I got tired of feeling this way, and told my parents that I needed to go to therapy.

You see, this was a big deal for me. I’ve always been a big advocate for therapy, and even went when I struggled with anxiety when I was younger. I encourage the people around me to get help when they need it, but for some reason I felt weak going this time. I felt like I was giving in. I felt like going to therapy meant that I was damaged or broken, which made no sense considering I have always felt so positively about it.

I also felt like I wouldn’t learn anything from therapy. I thought that I would sit there and listen to some 50-something year old would ask me what events lead to this depressive episode and how this has made me feel, and to be completely honest…I didn’t want to talk to anyone about how I felt. I had all my walls up, and all I wanted was to be able to lay in bed and pray it all away, then wake up in the morning depression-free.

On top of all of that, I thought that getting help meant that I was a bad Christian. I thought that it meant I wasn’t relying on God enough. I thought that it would make me a hypocrite. I felt like since I have this blog and I’m constantly comforting people and giving advice, that I should be able to do it on my own. I felt like you guys would look at me and think I’m not worthy to talk about the things that I talk about or pray for you guys or give you advice or…you get my point.

I thought that asking for help made me weak.

On my first day of therapy, I was so nervous that I was shaking as I filled out the insurance paperwork. I wasn’t even talking about what had happened yet, and I already felt like I was going to throw up the blueberry bagel that I had for breakfast.

I felt a wave of calm come over me however, when I actually met my therapist. She was young and fashionable, and I felt my stomach knot loosen. It was nice to have someone close to my age & my same gender helping me out.

How did my first session go, you ask?

I started crying within the first 5 minutes of talking and didn’t stop until our hour was up.

I kept apologizing - “I’m sorry I’m such a mess. Ugh, I’m so sorry for crying. Wow I can’t stop crying, I’m sorry!'“

She got fed up with that pretty quickly.

“Why are you apologizing for expressing your emotions? You never have to apologize for feeling, especially not to me.”

That made me cry even harder.

I didn’t realize it until that day, but I’ve always kind of hid what I’m feeling from other people. I felt like if I told other people what was going on in my head, they would think that I was being dramatic or that I was weak. I told her that, and she said something that blew my mind.

“Other people don’t think that about you Bailey, you think that about you.”

She went on to tell me about these annoying things that our brains sometimes have called ANTs. “ANT” stands for “automatic negative thought,” and they represent your core beliefs about yourself. She pulled a list of them out of her desk drawer and asked me to check the ones that I thought I struggled with.

There were 17 ANTs on the list.

I checked 13 of them.

I was blown away. How did I not notice how sick I was? How did I not notice how unhealthy and toxic my thoughts had become? When did it get this bad? I was literally bullying myself mentally and wasn’t thinking twice about it.

“So, what do I do?” I asked, still totally bewildered by the length of my list.

“Well, what would you do if you had a large infestation of ants in your house?”

I laughed. It felt like a silly question.

“Call an exterminator?”

“Call an exterminator! But in this case, you are the exterminator,” she said. “The first step is noticing that they’re there. Now that you know that these thoughts exist in your head, you can start to change them. It’s your job to interrupt the negative with something positive.”

You guys, just this one conversation has completely turned my life around. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a daily challenge, as negative thoughts don’t just go away overnight - but I can feel myself changing. I can feel the growth. I can feel my mind de-clouding, and day by day I’m learning to interrupt my negative thoughts with positive ones. I’m learning what it truly means to love and take care of myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time taking care of other people, often times completely neglecting my own needs (enneagram type 2’s, where ya at?). I thought that I was being selfless by always putting myself last, but in reality that was actually the most selfish thing I could have done - I couldn’t get out of bed, and therefore could be of no help to anyone. I became depressed because it was the only way my body could get my attention. My brain had been screaming “hey you! I need help!” for months, only to be pushed aside. I’ve always tried to live by the verse “love your neighbor as yourself,” but I never took into consideration the fact that that verse implies that there is in fact love for myself in the first place.

If you take anything from this, please hear me say that asking for help does not make you weak. It doesn’t make you a bad Christian. It doesn’t make you a hypocrite.

It makes you human.

God put people with a passion for medicine and therapy on this earth for a reason - to be used!

You can’t give out of an empty bucket. You can’t serve others when your mind is sick. You can’t go where God wants to send you when you’re stuck in bed and eating saltine crackers with peanut butter for your third meal of the day.

Don’t belittle yourself for needing help. Take daily steps to care for yourself. Give yourself some love.

You deserve it.

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If you want to read more about ANTs, click here - I couldn’t find a link with all 17, but the ones listed are the most common.

If you have any questions or want to share your therapy experience with me (or you just want to say hi!), please don’t hesitate to reach out to me! All of my contact info is in the “contact” tab listed under “more.”

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Stand Up and Fight

My anxiety has been kicking my butt lately.

The thing is, nothing is really going on. Other than the normal amount of stress than accompanies school, I have absolutely nothing to be anxious about - yet I constantly have this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and dread that something bad is going to happen. It has become such a familiar feeling that I’ve grown completely numb to its presence in my life. I don’t even try to remove it anymore; it’s like a dark passenger that’s just along for the ride. Every step I take, it’s right there with me.

This has begun to impact my spiritual life. I keep calling out to God to remove this thorn in my side, but He doesn’t - and I get frustrated. I’m so unfocused that even doing the smallest of tasks like reading my Bible or journaling feel pointless. I find my mind drifting off to a dark place. A sinful place.

This has been going on for weeks. I was in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. I couldn’t hear God’s voice, and I was beginning to think that He wasn’t even listening to my prayers.

And then He came down and delivered the most powerful spiritual uppercut that I have ever received.

I was trying to do some Bible reading, and I could feel my mind beginning to drift and think about other things. I was determined to focus though - I was so tired of this anxiety - so I audibly yelled “NO” and pushed those thoughts out.

And all of a sudden it clicked.

I have the strength in me to say no.

A light in my brain turned on and illuminated all of the darkness that I had been sitting in for weeks. All of the crap that I had been holding onto, all of the sinful thoughts, all of the guilt and shame and anxiety that I was feeling was bathed in light, and it was in that moment that I realized that all of that bad stuff had absolutely no power over me.

And then God spoke.

“Stand up and fight,” He said.

Stand up and fight.

I had spent weeks playing victim to my anxious thoughts. I had let them completely consume the precious space in my head. I thought that there was nothing I could do about it, and that this darkness that I was feeling was something that I was stuck with. The enemy had convinced me that I had no power over my own thoughts - how ridiculous is that?

We are a sinful people. It’s in our nature to sin. It’s literally bred into us. The cool thing is however, that while it is our tendency to lean towards sin, through Christ we have the ability to say no. We have the power to crush every negative thought that passes through our minds. The same spirit that brought Jesus back from the grave is alive in us. The same spirit that triumphed over sin is alive in us.

We are no longer victims to our anxiety.

We are no longer victims to our sin.

Jesus dying on the cross ensured that we never have to be victims again.

After all of this, God lead me to 1 Timothy 6:11-12. It says this:

“But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life that you have been called to.”

It goes on to say this in verse 20:

“Guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from the godless chatter and false knowledge of the world that has been professed, and in doing so has wandered from faith.”

God created your mind to be a dwelling place for Him. Your brain is a sacred place in which God communicates with you and reveals to you his purpose, as well as His love and grace. Your mind is not a place for anxiety. It is not a place for sin. By feeding into those feelings and thoughts, you’re desecrating the precious gift that God has given to you. The enemy is going to lie to you and tell you that you’re not strong enough to change your mind. You don’t deserve to be happy. This is just how things are. He will tell you anything he can to ensure that your mind stays dark -

Don’t believe him.

It’s a daily battle. You have to want to overcome it - and I have faith that you can. Dive into your Bible, even when you don’t feel like it. Arm yourself with the goodness of the word of God. Your strongest weapon against the enemy is the truth of the Gospel.

You don’t have to be a victim anymore.

You deserve a clear mind.

You have the power to say no.

Stand up and fight.

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Songs that are sure to pump you up for battle:

You Make Me Brave - Amanda Cook, Bethel Music

Singing in the Victory - Austin Stone Worship

Gravity - Jenn Johnson, Brian Johnson

I Love You - Sarah Reeves

Call Upon the Lord - Elevation Worship

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xo

@thelightclctive

In Times of Trial

For the past few weeks, God has really been putting it on my heart to read Job. I've heard the story a million times, but He has opened my eyes to a couple new revelations that I want to share with you. For those of you unfamiliar with Job's story, let me fill you in:

Job was completely blameless and lived a life that was pleasing to the Lord. Because of this, God blessed him abundantly - he had a wonderful family, tons of livestock (which was a sign of extreme wealth), and good health. One day, Satan came to present himself before the Lord. The two talk and God agrees to let Satan test Job two times to prove that he truly is a man who fears the Lord. In the first test, God allows Satan to take away his sons, daughters, and his livestock. In the second test, God allows Satan to inflict great wounds upon Job. Job becomes miserable and curses the day he was born.

Pretty heavy stuff, huh?

In the end, God blesses Job with twice the amount of what he had before. More livestock, happy family, better health...but despite the blessings, it's hard to look back on all of the terrible things that happened and see God's goodness.

I'm sure you've heard over and over "God is good all the time, and all the time God is good." But when tragedy strikes, how can we be sure? Job suffered so greatly, and for what? To prove a point to Satan? If God is so good, why does He allow bad things to happen? How good is God really? 

In this life, terrible things are going to happen. This world is beyond imperfect, and unfortunately that's never going to change. There is however, something to keep in mind -

As much as you may hate to hear it, that cliché saying is 100% correct - God really is good. In fact, God is so good that he repurposes your pain and positions you to receive blessings in the future. He works through all of the hurt that you're feeling and builds up your faith. You may come out the other side scarred, but those scars will serve as a reminder of where you came from and what you can overcome with God on your side (and He is on your side, I promise!).

I see so often that when people experience a tragic event, they distance themselves from God. I'm guilty of this - when my mom had cancer, I refused to pray for months because I was so angry with Him, and I was scared that He was going to tell me that I was going to lose her. I no longer enjoyed going to church, and I stopped reading my Bible. I felt abandoned and depressed. It wasn't until I went to a summer church camp that I realized that the only person I was hurting in distancing myself from God was myself. God had not abandoned me, I had simply moved away from Him. I reopened my heart to Him and He filled me with such incredible peace. He completely restored the joy that had seemingly disappeared from my life.

When you allow God to use your pain to grow you faith in Him, it's kind of like leveling up in a video game. Sure, there's gonna be new twists and turns and monsters to fight, but you've got new weapons and armor. New doors will open for you. 

It may still be difficult to understand why Job had to suffer so much. I'm sure many of us can relate to him in that way - I have received so many prayer requests and we're only one month into 2018. But take comfort in the fact that while it may be dark now, blessings are coming. Psalms 30:5 is a great reminder of this:

"Weeping may take you over at night, but joy comes in the morning."

 Job serves as a reminder to Christians to persevere through trials. Suffering is unavoidable, but the good news is that we serve a God who takes our pain and turns it into something beautiful. He is a good father, and He is the ultimate comforter.

He hasn't left your side.

Rejoice in His goodness.

You're going to be okay, because you're not alone -

He's right there with you. 

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If any of you are struggling with anything and would like some prayer, please shoot me an email, DM, or comment on this post!

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Songs to comfort you in your trials:

Hills & Valleys - Tauren Wells

Oh My Soul - Casting Crowns

I Won't Let You Go - Switchfoot

Even If - MercyMe

There's No "I" in Team, but There is in Anxiety

This week, I want to talk about something that hits close to home. Something that I have fallen victim to almost my entire life. Something that I know a lot of you struggle with daily  -

it's our good ol' friend anxiety. 

You know what I'm talking about - the pit in your stomach, waking up in the middle of the night sweating with you heart pounding out of your chest. I don't know a single person in my life who doesn't struggle with it. It seems to be a world wide epidemic, contaminating the minds of over 40 million Americans. So many people struggle with it, which begs the question:

why are we all so dang anxious?

I've always looked at anxiety as if it was a part of me; something that had to with a misfiring in my brain and therefore out of my control. I've spent countless nights laying awake in bed absolutely begging God to take away my anxious thoughts, but to no avail. I told myself that this was a burden that I was going to have to learn to live with.

What I didn't realize was that I was unintentionally imprisoning myself in my own mind.

When the devil wants to attack you, he's going to first set up camp in your mind. He's going to whisper nasty thoughts in your ear all night, making you worry and drift from bad thought to bad thought. His goal is to fill your head with so much junk that you couldn't possibly hear God's whisper.

And over 40 million of us fall for it. Every. Single. Day. 

What I never thought to consider however, is that I could actually be the root cause of my anxiety. I was choosing to fall victim to my anxiety because it was "out of my control," when in reality my lifestyle was what was causing me to have sleepless nights.

You see, we live in a world that tells us that the decisions we make are important. Our society tells us that we are in control of our destiny, and therefore we have to be very careful and take our time when making decisions. We are told daily "the choices that you make are going to impact you for the rest of your life, so choose wisely!"

If you're like me, that's where a lot of your anxiety comes from.

Fear of making the "wrong" decision has turned me into a major people pleaser. I am ashamed to say that I base almost all of my decisions on what will look good to others. I avoid any type of conflict because I live in a constant fear that I'll say or do the wrong thing and upset the people around me. For you, maybe it's the same thing. Maybe it's deciding where you're going to go for college. Maybe it's whether or not you should break up with your boyfriend. Maybe it's what you should have for dinner.

Maybe you spend so much time weighing the pros and cons of a situation that you end up just pushing it off, and you mask that procrastination by saying "I'm praying about it, but I haven't gotten a clear answer." 

By doing this, we give ourselves opportunities for anxiety and we call them "options."

But I'm going to let you in on a little secret - 

it doesn't matter.

You're staying awake all night and making yourself sick over something that God has already worked out. By allowing those anxious thoughts to ruminate in your brain, you're implying that you are in control of your life, when in reality God is the one who oversees it all. He knows you inside and out. He knows every decision you're going to make, and whether it's the right one or the wrong one He has already designed a plan for your life and you cannot possibly get in His way. If your heart is in the right place, then it doesn't matter what decision you make. People say "you made your bed, now lie in it" and I hate it. 

If you made the bed the wrong way, apologize and remake the dang bed. 

You're allowed to mess up. You're allowed to pick the wrong decision because God already has it all worked out. 

Stop worrying so much!

Your brain is a sacred place created by God - it's where He resides, where he communicates with you, and where He reveals to you your destiny. The next time you feel those anxious thoughts creeping in, yell at the devil to get his hands off of God's property.

Here's the bottom line: you're going to have hard decisions to make, and the enemy is going to use those to make your mind an anxiety ridden warzone. All you have to do is remind him how big your God is, and remember that He has your entire destiny completely mapped out.

I invite you this week to take control of your anxiety. 

Shift your intention from "how are people thinking of me?" to "how am I thinking of others?" Stop worrying about what "might" happen and remember that God has it all worked out. Start saying no to people when you want to say no to them, no matter how upset they may get with you. 

God is too good for you to stay anxious. 

Jesus is looking at you with nothing but love. No matter what choices you make, he is sitting on His throne and saying:

"This is my child, and with them I am well pleased."