Battleground

I had a panic attack a few nights ago.

It had been years since I’d had one, or at least one of that scale. I couldn’t catch my breath, my stomach was in knots, and even though all I wanted to do was sleep, I laid wide awake in my queen size.

I stayed up almost the entire night, and boy did I pay for it the next day. Upon arriving at my office, I sluggishly made my way over to the espresso machine and downed a double shot. I sat at my desk, exhausted, and still not fully recovered from the overwhelming emotions of night before.

I went through the motions, doing what I needed to do: answer emails, make phone calls, drink more espresso - ya know, adult things.

When 5 o’clock rolled around, I packed up my things, closed the office, and drove home. After eating some lukewarm leftovers for dinner (I definitely could have microwaved them longer, but my espresso had just worn off), I sat on the couch and pulled out my phone, intending to scroll through Tik Tok until my eyelids felt heavy enough to go to sleep.

As I sat down though, something caught my eye - it was a book that my boyfriend’s mom purchased for me awhile back called “Get Out of Your Head.” I looked back down at my phone, but something in me forced my attention back to the book. Okay God, I thought, I’ll bite.

Author Jennie Allen had me fully invested after the first 5 sentences. In a gorgeous combination of Theology and neuroscience, she explains how the enemy has taken control of our minds, and how he continues to attack not by outright hurting us, but by using our own thoughts to trap us in endless spirals of anxiety.

Yikes.

My panic attack from a few nights prior was brought on by one of these spirals. At some point during the day, my boyfriend had replied to something that I had said with low enthusiasm.

“He’s losing interest in you” my enemy whispered, “he is going to leave you.”

And just like that, my brain had jumped all the way from A to Z, filling in every single blank along the way. With little to no evidence, I had come to the conclusion that the love of my life was no longer attracted to me, never actually loved me, and the only reason that our relationship has gone on as long as it has is because he’s too scared to tell me that he doesn’t want to be with me.

Woah.

I wasn’t up all night worrying about something that had actually happened to me - no, the reason that I was sleepless and exhausted was because of a scenario that never even happened. I made myself miserable, and all the enemy had to do was make a suggestion.

Is my psyche really that fragile? Are my thoughts truly that easily persuaded? I sat in bed pondering these things, wondering where else I had allowed such lies to take root.

It became clear to me that in almost every area of my life, I was under mental attack - anxious about my relationship, ungrateful for my job, lazy in my scripture reading & church attendance…the list went on and on, and by the end of it, there were more areas of my life that the devil was digging his ugly hands into than not.

And that really pissed me off.

I didn’t want to be numb anymore. I didn’t want to be anxious anymore. I wanted to feel like myself again. I wanted to feel confident and sure, and thankfully, I knew exactly where to start (shoutout Jennie Allen).

I drew a mental map of everything that was bothering me, along with all of the possible outcomes that my brain could possibly imagine. I then forced myself to read every single one out loud, and you know what? They all sounded absolutely ridiculous.

Don’t get me wrong, it took a couple of readings before the ridiculousness actually came out - the first couple of times I was still like “yeah, that makes sense.”

But you see, it’s very easy for us to get lost in our own brains. We are able to take something that is completely preposterous in the real world and then rationalize it, giving it a permanent home in our minds. We fixate and stew and mull it over again and again and again, and each time we think that thought, it starts to feel more real.

But it’s not real. It’s just a thought. And what are we called to do with our thoughts?

Submit them to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says:

“We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.”

Did you get that? Every. Single. Thought.

Every thought that enters and leaves your wrinkled brain is to be submitted to Christ - whether it’s about something serious or something mundane. If we do not submit our thoughts to Christ, our minds become a playground for the devil to run rampant. He will take any and every opportunity you give him to wreak havoc, and he will use the greatest weapon that he can to take you down - yourself.

The war we are fighting is not in front of us, but inside of us. The enemy is picking fights between our ears, and we’re not only allowing it, we’re encouraging it. Every single time that we indulge in the anxious thoughts he whispers in our ear, we are falling for his trap.

No more.

It’s time to wake up.

This is war.

Now, hear me say that wars are not won overnight. Unraveling all of the lies that he has so deeply woven into your subconscious are going to take awhile to locate and uproot. You are going to need to give yourself time, and most of all, grace.

I realize now that a lot of my anxious thoughts have roots deeper than the initial thought itself - things like “I am unloveable” and “I am worthless” are the culprits behind the crimes my brain commits against itself.

Let’s take my recent panic attack for example. What started with a mildly unenthusiastic word from my boyfriend jumped to:

> I’m annoying him.

> I’ve probably been annoying him for awhile now.

> I need to stop talking so much so I don’t annoy him.

> He’s going to leave me if I keep annoying him.

> He wants to leave, but he’s too scared to.

> He doesn’t actually love me anymore.

> I annoy everyone.

> Everyone leaves me.

> I am unlovable.

I know I’m not the only one who does this. I know that this is one of the most common forms of attack the enemy uses because it’s so sneaky that majority of the time we don’t even know it’s happening.

It starts with a thought, and ends in a never-ending spiral. The devil hands us a shovel, and we dig ourselves a 6-foot grave and jump right in.

We have got to get ahold of ourselves.

Or, rather, let Christ take ahold of us.

A lot of our anxious thoughts go back to our illusion of control. We have this delusion that if we worry about something enough, we’ll be prepared for it when it happens and therefore will lessen the negative effects - which is exactly what I said, a delusion.

How do I know that?

Well, for starters, my boyfriend and I are still together.

I spent an entire night fixating on an issue that didn’t exist outside of my mind. I was up all night panicking about what could happen, and it never even happened.

I told him about my ridiculous spiral the next day. He first assured me that he wasn’t going to leave me, and then followed it up with “don’t be dumb.”

We cannot keep letting the devil’s whispers run free in our minds. Your brain is a precious creation, given to you in full complexity from the One who understands it best because He created you. He knows every thought that you think before your synapses even have time to fire - let Him take care of the anxious ones.

Don’t allow yourself to be crushed under the weight of your thoughts. Your brain is a battleground, and the only way for you to win the war is to grab every thought by the neck and force it to submit to Jesus - He will take it from there.

Submitting your thoughts to Christ doesn’t mean that the bad thoughts go away - it’s actively choosing to have confidence in the fact that the One who sits on the throne is in control of your life, and that wasting another second worrying is a waste of the precious time He has given you on this earth. It’s knowing that your thoughts have no actual power over you, but Christ has executive power over them.

The battle is already won. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by your anxiety any longer. Do not dwell on the things that could be or should be, but instead, set your mind on the Truth: Jesus decided that you were to die for, and in doing so, took on the burden of sin that you could not carry. Cast your anxieties onto Him, for He cares for you.


Link to Get Out of Your Head:


*Disclaimer - as someone who studied psychology in college and suffers from hereditary anxiety, I know that many of you reading this experience a kind of anxiety that is rooted solely in the chemicals of your brain. Please do not read this and think that I am saying “just pray it away” or anything of the sort. While I do believe that God can do anything, including heal mental illness, I am not blind to the dark reality of anxiety and depression that exists in millions of people’s lives. While you can still choose to submit your thoughts to Christ, there is no shame in seeking treatment in the forms of therapy or medication. Going to therapy has been one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Some anxieties simply cannot be managed by yourself, so do not feel like you need to do it all alone. Asking for help is not weak, it is brave.

Having Faith Amidst Disappointment

I just graduated college in the middle of a global pandemic.

If you had asked me four years ago where I thought I was going to end up after graduation, never in a million years would I have said “unemployed and moving back in with my parents”. Never. If you had told freshman year Bailey that’s where she was headed, she would have dropped out.

And yet, that’s exactly where I am. I have the degree I worked so hard for, and every single job I have applied for has told me no. I won’t be able to afford to live on my own, so it seems that moving back in with my parents is the only option. I’ve lived on my own for four years, and now all of my furniture is going into a storage unit to collect cobwebs. My residence will be my childhood bedroom. My income will be next to nonexistent. I feel completely and utterly out of control - so here I am, degree in hand, completely lost and unsure about what’s next.

On top of all of that, I have now more than ever fallen into the social media comparison trap. I feel like there has been an enormous push on social media to really “take advantage of quarantine” - in other words, if you’re not exercising daily, eating healthy, or starting a business right now, then you’re wasting your time. I’ve been struggling on and off with this weird sense of guilt about not feeling motivated to do all of these things.

On the flip side of that guilty feeling is the reality that the current state of the world is…well, chaotic. I should be giving myself grace and being gentle with myself as I learn how to navigate this new situation, but I just can’t shake this overwhelming sense of guilt, dismay, and absolute defeat.

Disappointment doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about my current situation.

And it breaks my heart to know that so many of you are in the same boat.

I think we can all agree that the current state of the world sucks. It sucks. And there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. We are completely helpless and out of control.

So how do we move forward? How do we keep our faith when the disappointments just keep coming?

Well, the first thing we have to acknowledge is probably the most obvious: we were never in control in the first place.

We as humans constantly make the mistake of thinking that we are in control of our lives and what happens in them, and while we do make our own decisions and exercise our free will daily, it is crucial that we understand how involved God is. God doesn’t just sit and observe from above, He is an active participant in our lives. He controls what time you wake up and how many red lights you get stopped at on your way to work. He controls whether or not they’re out of toilet paper at the supermarket. He controls whether or not we have breath in our lungs and whether or not our hearts continue to beat. God is in the details of your life - even the ones that seem small and insignificant.

He is in control of everything.

The second truth that must be acknowledged is that God is good.

I know you read that, but read it again.

God does everything for the good of His holy kingdom. He is constantly preparing a place for us and moving the parts and pieces necessary to get us to the point of Christ’s return.

Here’s the thing though -

Yes, everything He does is for His kingdom, but we’re all heirs…so that kingdom He’s building? Yeah, that’s for you. You get to take part in that. You get to live with your Creator in paradise for eternity. Everything God does is for the good of the Kingdom, but you’re a part of that - meaning that He is so good that what is in the best interest of the kingdom is in your best interest as well.

I cannot stress this enough: God is good. He did not forget about you. Bad stuff is not happening to harm you, but to form you - form you into someone who is more like His perfect Son. Form you into the person you were created to be in the first place.

So if we take these two truths at face value, we can draw one conclusion: that this is all happening for a reason.

Now you’re probably thinking, “but Baileyyyy…that doesn’t make it any easier!”

Girl. I know.

I don’t think there’s anything that I could say to make this situation better for you, no matter how badly I want to. I struggle with my current reality daily. It’s not going to be easy for awhile, but you know what? We don’t need ease. You and me, we don’t need perfect. We don’t need simple.

We need to stand firm in our faith, draw near to the Father, and cling to the hope that we have in Him - and we do have hope in Him!

You’re going to be alright. You’re going to be able to look back at this absolute mess and be grateful about the way that it happened. At the end of it all, you’re going to be able to dust yourself off, smile, and say “wow, if I could make it through that, then I am beyond ready for whatever’s ahead of me.”

God is in the details of your life, and He will never abandon you. Every single thing-good and bad-is happening for your benefit. Find your peace in that.

And hey - you’re gonna be okay.

_________________________

This is a really weird time, and I know for a fact that I am not the only one struggling with the current state of my life. If you need prayer, please reach out to me! I want to create a community where praying for each other is the usual thing, so if you have any prayer, big or small, click here.

_________________________

Here’s some scripture to encourage you as you learn to navigate this season. Write these down, hang them on your mirror, and read them out loud to declare them over your life every time you see them!

Jeremiah 29:11 - “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans that are good for you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

1 Peter 1:3-4 - Because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead, we now live with great expectation. We have a priceless inheritance - an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.

Romans 12:12 - Rejoice and be confident in hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

and here’s some songs:

Already There - Casting Crowns

Breakthrough (Live) - Red Rocks Worship

Soul’s Anthem - Tori Kelly

Sweet Serendipity - Lee DeWyze

To the One (Live) - UPPERROOM

Come to Me (Spontaneous) - Bethel Music, Jenn & Brian Johnson

Gravity - Jenn & Brian Johnson

Burn the House Down

I am currently in what has probably been the hardest season of my life.

Events transpired that I was sure I wasn’t going to recover from. I was in so much emotional pain that I couldn’t eat or get out of bed for days at a time. It felt like someone had burnt my house the ground.

I used that metaphor a lot, because it was the only way I could put what I was feeling into words. It felt like someone burnt my house to the ground.

And I guess God heard me say that.

On my way to church today, I saw an enormous cloud of smoke. Now, I don’t know much about fire, but what I do know is that dark grey means that whatever is burning is still currently burning, whereas white means that the fire has been extinguished - and this cloud was dark grey.

As I drove closer, I could see the source: a house seated on top of a hill that was completely engulfed in flames.

I didn’t see any emergency vehicles outside of the home, so I pulled out my phone and typed in 911. I was still on the interstate, but I knew what exit the house was closest to. My finger hovered over the dial button, but then I saw a sheriff drive by. I exhaled, thinking that he was on his way to help, but became nervous again when I noticed his lights weren’t on. Was I the only one seeing this fire? What if there are people inside? Should I call 911, or is it under control?

I thought about these questions all the way to church. With 911 still typed into my keypad, I parked and got out of my car. You could see the smoke from the parking lot, and other people were definitely noticing it. Surely one of these people called the fire department, right?

My mental debate was interrupted by one of the parking attendants telling me good morning. I smiled and said good morning back, but then I stopped.

“Hey there’s a house on fire over there, do you think I should call 911? Or do you think someone has already done it?”

The minute the words left my mouth I internally cringed. It felt like a silly question to ask the man who had helped me park, because - to my knowledge - he had the same amount of information I had.

“Oh, no need!” he replied. “My brother actually works for the fire department, that’s an intentional burn.”

I’m sorry…did he just say “intentional burn?”

“I was confused because the house looked so nice,” he continued. “It had a really pretty exterior. I guess it was more of an internal problem.”

Internal problem? Intentional burn?

These words echoed around in my mind on my walk into the building. Internal problem. Intentional burn.

Click.

Queue the tears.

I had been saying for months that it felt like someone had burnt my house to the ground. I was so broken down and angry with God, because it felt like all of the things that I cared about the most were taken away from me. I felt so empty and out of control.

I couldn’t see it a few months ago, but I realize now that the “house” I lived in was disgustingly unhealthy. Yes, I looked put together and pretty on the outside, but on the inside I was constantly anxious. I had become comfortable with being uncomfortable. The situation that I was in was completely hindering my growth, but because it was familiar, I wanted to stay in it - and I would have if God hadn’t stepped in.

If God hadn’t allowed fire to be set to my metaphorical house - my plans, my relationships, all of it - I would have settled for the mediocrity I was living in. I would have stayed right where I was, as the person I was. I had no idea how harmful my thinking patterns were and how little I valued myself. I had absolutely no idea that my mental state was as toxic as it was.

If I could see how unsound my house was at the beginning of all of this…I would have set fire to it myself.

I couldn’t see it though. Thank goodness that God did, and He cared enough to remove me from it.

If I’ve learned one thing through this incredibly difficult season, it’s that the presence of hardships does not negate the presence of God. God loves and cares about you enough to allow trials and difficult seasons into your life so that you can grow. Pain allows us to become more like Jesus.

I won’t lie, growing is painful. It hurts to grow. But the person that you become on the other side of the trial is a person worth meeting.

I mean it when I say I wouldn’t change a thing about these last few months. It has been incredibly difficult, but you know what? I don’t hate myself anymore. I’m surrounded by people who love me. Jesus has filled holes in my heart that I didn’t even know were there.

I’m still rebuilding my house, and some days are better than others - but at least now I have a firm foundation to build upon. In the midst of the storm, I have hope.

It’s crazy how Jesus works. It feels dichotomous - that even in the middle of incredible sorrow, he can give you joy. He can give you hope. He can restore you.

All you gotta do is ask Him.

I know that some of you may be going through a difficult season right now too. If you need prayer, click here.

You are so well loved and looked after.

Just because life sucks right now doesn’t mean that He has forgotten about you.

And hey - this season isn’t going to last forever. Joy is coming.

(If you don’t believe me, read Job).

_________________________

Songs to listen to in this season:

Come to Me (Spontaneous) - Bethel Music, Jenn Johnson, Brian Johnson

Head Above Water - Avril Lavigne

Raise a Hallelujah (Live) - Bethel Music, Jonathan David Helser

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Hot Mess

My dating life is a complete mess.

It's been a mess for awhile - since second semester my junior year of high school, to be exact.

Going into my freshman year of college, I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship with a boy that I had started dating in high school. He was sweet and funny, and we shared a lot of common interests. When that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity. 

Yet I still thought that I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a couple months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was mysterious and artistic, and he made me mixtapes filled with all kinds of incredible music. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a few more months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was a Christian and went to church with me, prayed with me, took me on dates, and was respectful. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Are you seeing the pattern yet?

All of my romantic relationships have followed the same timeline. For the first few months, it's amazing. It's exciting getting to know someone and go on dates and ride that "honeymoon high." I do everything I can to make the guy happy, even if it means compromising my morals to do so. Eventually, when the excitement fades, communication becomes sparse and I'm filled with anxiety. Not wanting to put myself through a breakup, this is about the time that I start compromising my morals to try to get them to stay. It never works, the fighting continues and escalates, and it results in a breakup. Every. Single. Time.

You would think that after years of repetition, I would figure out what I was doing wrong and fix it. It wasn't until this summer that I finally found the key.

You see, I really desire marriage - I spend way too much time thinking about the ring, the dress, the venue... spending eternity with the person I love is my dream. I want it so badly that it clouds my judgment in relationships and makes me want to hold onto the wrong boys.

After my last boyfriend and I broke up, I wrote a letter to God. In the letter, I wrote:

"I give my heart away to any person who asks for it. I'm tired, Father. I'm tired of trying to find satisfaction in boys when you're the only one who can satisfy. Tonight, I only have one request - that you take my heart in its entirety and hold onto it until the right boy comes. Until then, keep it safe and protected, guard it, and fill it in the way that only You can."

And let me tell you -

God did some wild things.

Instead of feeling broken and devastated the next morning (as you usually do after a breakup), I felt peaceful. Don't get me wrong, a lot of pain was still there - but amidst all of the pain I felt this gentle, incredible warmth. It was like I was being wrapped in a gigantic hug, and it stayed with me throughout the day.

Day by day, I got stronger. More independent.

I started reading my Bible and journaling more. Instead of writing normal prayers, it was kind of like having a pen pal - I told Him how my day went and was honest about my feelings. I shared everything ranging from my most anxious of thoughts to my loftiest dream.

I started to take better care of myself. Not because I wanted to impress anyone, but because I wanted to take better care of the body God created for me. I got on a regular exercise regimen and cut out sugar, and I started getting more sleep a night.

And then something amazing happened.

I woke up one day and felt total satisfaction. I can't even describe it, I feel like a totally new person. Every person that I see gets a smile, and I have this overwhelming urge to tell everyone how amazing and loved they are. I look in the mirror and I adore my reflection. I go to church and I worship with both hands up without a care in the world. I've stopped blaming myself for everything, and I feel at peace with mistakes that I had made in the past. I have fallen completely in love with myself -

and it's all because I have completely fallen in love with Jesus.

Psalm 139:13 says:

"You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well."

God made your heart, you can trust Him to take care of it. I was a hot mess for so long, but when I gave Jesus my whole heart, He filled me to the brim with love. He satisfied my every want. This is truly the best thing that I have ever done for myself; I have never felt so secure. I no longer seek comfort from boys, and in fact, I don't even feel like I need a boyfriend - I've got other things to do!

What I realized is that I spent so much time pining after a marriage and the future that I wasn't enjoying what was right in front of me. I was living in a "what if" world, and it kept me from feeling satisfied. God was blessing me with gift after gift, and I was so focused on my future that I didn't even notice.

I don't want to miss any more time - these are years of my life that I can never get back. I want to live them as fully as possible, so someday when I actually am married I can look back and feel content knowing that I took nothing for granted. That "someday" could be 5 years from now, or it could be 15 -

why would I waste that precious time worrying about my future when it's already taken care of?

Learn to trust in His perfect timing.

Learn to live in the present, it truly is a gift.

Learn to love Jesus. It'll help you love yourself more. It'll help you love others more.

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Songs to listen to while you learn to love yourself (and be completely satisfied in Jesus!):

Something About You - Sarah Reeves

Shadow Step - Hillsong United

Found in You - Vertical Worship

You Make Me Brave - Amanda Cook, Bethel Music

Let Them See You - JJ Weeks Band

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xo

@thelightclctive

The Law of Demand

Last semester, I suffered through a macroeconomics class. I was absolutely terrible at it, and because I didn't understand majority of the content I didn't take a whole lot away from the class overall. One of the only things I remember is the law of demand, specifically that our demand for "more stuff" is never ending. No matter what, people are always going to want more. 

I think this unending want is innate, but is encouraged from a young age. We're taught that it's good to want more, and that the want for more is a sign of a good work ethic. As we grow up, we begin to equate "happiness" to "more stuff." It's not on purpose, it's just how we are (and how we're socialized). We think that if we can just get that one thing that we want, we will be happy and our desire for more will be met - but that isn't how the law of demand works.

The reason that the law of demand reigns supreme is because all of the things we're craving are temporary, as in the pleasure they provide for us is fleeting. In the end, we always end up craving more - more money, more sex, more authority at work, more attention - just more.

You may be asking yourself what this has to do with Jesus.

Well, allow me to introduce you to the love bucket metaphor.

We are human buckets. In order to achieve happiness, we fill our buckets with things that we love. This can be things like the affection of a boyfriend, drinking, shopping - basically anything that brings us comfort. The problem however, is that we are all born with a God-sized hole in our bucket. Each time we fill it with things of this earth, they slowly trickle out the hole in our buckets, leaving us empty again and again. Until we learn to patch that hole, our buckets can never be filled and we will never feel satisfied. 

It makes sense that we would patch a God-sized hole with God, but that's easier said than done. There are so many tangible and pleasurable things that we have access to, which makes it difficult to focus on God. We are so focused on getting "the next best thing" that we sometimes forget that God even exists.

I am incredibly guilty of this. I am a serial bucket-filler, and I fill it the most with boys. It's nice to feel loved, but I rely so much on the other person to make me feel complete that I always end up feeling disappointed and uncared for. This has made my romantic life very frustrating. It doesn't make sense to ask a boy to fill a God-sized hole, yet I expect them to do it over and over. 

Maybe you're the same way. Maybe your problem isn't boys, maybe it's spending money on things you don't really need. Maybe it's food. Maybe it's drugs or drinking. Maybe it's sleep. Whatever it is that you're relying on to make you happy is what you're using to fill your bucket - and if it's not God, you're always going to end up with that same empty feeling.

The cool thing about God is that He's overflowing with love, and He's not going to withhold the love that you're craving. In fact, He's waiting for you to accept it! Jesus is standing at the door of your heart, love in hand, ready to pour into you and fill your bucket at any time you wish - all you gotta do is let Him in!

It goes both ways though - you can't expect Jesus to come and pour into you if you're not pouring into Him. He wants a relationship with you, and relationships - as you know - require lots and lots of effort from both sides. Jesus is more than willing to do His part and fill you up, but you have to be willing to spend time with Him. Talk to Him. Pray fervently. Open your Bible and read His word. Having a relationship with Jesus is the most rewarding and fulfilling thing you can do for yourself. Ephesians 3:18-19 says:

"may you have the strength to comprehend what is the breadth and length and height and depth of the love of Christ for you that surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God."

God is ready to patch up your bucket.

Are you going to let Him?

(hint: you should.)

It will fill you up more than you thought possible, and will satisfy your every desire.

_________________________

Songs to praise Him to (because He's so good):

Satisfied - Jordan Feliz

O Come to the Altar - Elevation Worship

Spirit of the Living God - Vertical Worship

Wrecking Ball

We all have these ideas in our head of what our life is going to be.

We all picture ourselves growing up and going to our dream college, getting our dream job, marrying our dream spouse, and raising our dream family. 

But then you apply for that college and you don't get in. You start what you thought was going to be the perfect major for you, and you hate it. All of your friends are in happy relationships and getting engaged, while you can't even work up the courage to talk to that cute boy in your math class. At this point, you feel like you'd be better off just moving far, far away and raising 14 cats.

If this is you, sit back and take a breath.

I feel you.

You see, I had my whole life mapped out. I had wanted to work in forensics ever since I was old enough to watch "48 Hours Mystery." I was going to go to college and study biomed for four years, go to medical school, and become a forensic pathologist. When I started classes however, I sucked at it. I had a boyfriend at the time that I thought was my end game, but beneath the surface things were far from perfect and I was incredibly unhappy. People who I thought would be my friends forever began to exit my life. I can't express to you how frustrated I was when my carefully thought out plan began to crumble. I felt completely hopeless, so I did what I do best -

I cried. REALLY cried. For like...2 hours.

In my snot covered and tear stained state, I began to make a list of things that I thought I was good at. It looked like this:

1. Crying about things that don't need to be cried about

2. Writing

I decided that I couldn't major in being a drama queen, so I looked at majors that involved a lot of writing. While I was scrolling through, I felt that little tug at my heart as I passed over communications. I prayed about it, and I felt confident that was where Jesus wanted me to be, so I switched majors and say goodbye to my dream of studying dead bodies forever.

I dated that boy for a couple more months before God really made it clear that His plan for me did not include him. It was hard, but I ended things. I cried a lot (again), but Jesus provided me with amazing strength and peace through it all. A few short months later, I met an amazing man of God who loves me so well.

Those friends who left cleared the way for me to meet a new group of friends. I am now surrounded by an incredible support system of girls who genuinely love me and love Jesus.

God completely wrecked my plan for my life, and for awhile I was scared it was never going to get put back together. Over time however, God has shown me that He has my best interest at heart. Even though change hurts sometimes, I'm happier because of it. My greatest gifts came from letting go of my own plan for my life and surrendering to what God has planned. Had He not changed the trajectory of my life, I wouldn't have started this blog!

A bible verse that has really helped reassure me during this time of change is Proverbs 3:6:

"In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

I still don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm confident that anything Jesus has planned for me is infinitely better than anything I could plan for myself. God knows how many hairs are on your head. If He pays that much attention to something so small, don't you think it's safe to say that he has the plan for your life all worked out?

I promise you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

I know your life might feel like a broken mess right now, but all of those broken pieces are working together in your favor to create something beautiful. 

Be patient. Trust His timing. It will all come together.

Until then, pray to Him and praise Him - 

He's making your path straight.

_________________________

Songs to listen to while you wait:

Already There - Casting crowns (a personal favorite of mine, this is my go to comfort song)

Trust In You - Lauren Daigle

Have It All - Brian Johnson, Bethel Music

Open Hands - Laura Story, Mac Powell