Hot Mess

My dating life is a complete mess.

It's been a mess for awhile - since second semester my junior year of high school, to be exact.

Going into my freshman year of college, I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship with a boy that I had started dating in high school. He was sweet and funny, and we shared a lot of common interests. When that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity. 

Yet I still thought that I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a couple months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was mysterious and artistic, and he made me mixtapes filled with all kinds of incredible music. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a few more months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was a Christian and went to church with me, prayed with me, took me on dates, and was respectful. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Are you seeing the pattern yet?

All of my romantic relationships have followed the same timeline. For the first few months, it's amazing. It's exciting getting to know someone and go on dates and ride that "honeymoon high." I do everything I can to make the guy happy, even if it means compromising my morals to do so. Eventually, when the excitement fades, communication becomes sparse and I'm filled with anxiety. Not wanting to put myself through a breakup, this is about the time that I start compromising my morals to try to get them to stay. It never works, the fighting continues and escalates, and it results in a breakup. Every. Single. Time.

You would think that after years of repetition, I would figure out what I was doing wrong and fix it. It wasn't until this summer that I finally found the key.

You see, I really desire marriage - I spend way too much time thinking about the ring, the dress, the venue... spending eternity with the person I love is my dream. I want it so badly that it clouds my judgment in relationships and makes me want to hold onto the wrong boys.

After my last boyfriend and I broke up, I wrote a letter to God. In the letter, I wrote:

"I give my heart away to any person who asks for it. I'm tired, Father. I'm tired of trying to find satisfaction in boys when you're the only one who can satisfy. Tonight, I only have one request - that you take my heart in its entirety and hold onto it until the right boy comes. Until then, keep it safe and protected, guard it, and fill it in the way that only You can."

And let me tell you -

God did some wild things.

Instead of feeling broken and devastated the next morning (as you usually do after a breakup), I felt peaceful. Don't get me wrong, a lot of pain was still there - but amidst all of the pain I felt this gentle, incredible warmth. It was like I was being wrapped in a gigantic hug, and it stayed with me throughout the day.

Day by day, I got stronger. More independent.

I started reading my Bible and journaling more. Instead of writing normal prayers, it was kind of like having a pen pal - I told Him how my day went and was honest about my feelings. I shared everything ranging from my most anxious of thoughts to my loftiest dream.

I started to take better care of myself. Not because I wanted to impress anyone, but because I wanted to take better care of the body God created for me. I got on a regular exercise regimen and cut out sugar, and I started getting more sleep a night.

And then something amazing happened.

I woke up one day and felt total satisfaction. I can't even describe it, I feel like a totally new person. Every person that I see gets a smile, and I have this overwhelming urge to tell everyone how amazing and loved they are. I look in the mirror and I adore my reflection. I go to church and I worship with both hands up without a care in the world. I've stopped blaming myself for everything, and I feel at peace with mistakes that I had made in the past. I have fallen completely in love with myself -

and it's all because I have completely fallen in love with Jesus.

Psalm 139:13 says:

"You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well."

God made your heart, you can trust Him to take care of it. I was a hot mess for so long, but when I gave Jesus my whole heart, He filled me to the brim with love. He satisfied my every want. This is truly the best thing that I have ever done for myself; I have never felt so secure. I no longer seek comfort from boys, and in fact, I don't even feel like I need a boyfriend - I've got other things to do!

What I realized is that I spent so much time pining after a marriage and the future that I wasn't enjoying what was right in front of me. I was living in a "what if" world, and it kept me from feeling satisfied. God was blessing me with gift after gift, and I was so focused on my future that I didn't even notice.

I don't want to miss any more time - these are years of my life that I can never get back. I want to live them as fully as possible, so someday when I actually am married I can look back and feel content knowing that I took nothing for granted. That "someday" could be 5 years from now, or it could be 15 -

why would I waste that precious time worrying about my future when it's already taken care of?

Learn to trust in His perfect timing.

Learn to live in the present, it truly is a gift.

Learn to love Jesus. It'll help you love yourself more. It'll help you love others more.

_________________________

Songs to listen to while you learn to love yourself (and be completely satisfied in Jesus!):

Something About You - Sarah Reeves

Shadow Step - Hillsong United

Found in You - Vertical Worship

You Make Me Brave - Amanda Cook, Bethel Music

Let Them See You - JJ Weeks Band

_________________________

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xo

@thelightclctive

Wrecking Ball

We all have these ideas in our head of what our life is going to be.

We all picture ourselves growing up and going to our dream college, getting our dream job, marrying our dream spouse, and raising our dream family. 

But then you apply for that college and you don't get in. You start what you thought was going to be the perfect major for you, and you hate it. All of your friends are in happy relationships and getting engaged, while you can't even work up the courage to talk to that cute boy in your math class. At this point, you feel like you'd be better off just moving far, far away and raising 14 cats.

If this is you, sit back and take a breath.

I feel you.

You see, I had my whole life mapped out. I had wanted to work in forensics ever since I was old enough to watch "48 Hours Mystery." I was going to go to college and study biomed for four years, go to medical school, and become a forensic pathologist. When I started classes however, I sucked at it. I had a boyfriend at the time that I thought was my end game, but beneath the surface things were far from perfect and I was incredibly unhappy. People who I thought would be my friends forever began to exit my life. I can't express to you how frustrated I was when my carefully thought out plan began to crumble. I felt completely hopeless, so I did what I do best -

I cried. REALLY cried. For like...2 hours.

In my snot covered and tear stained state, I began to make a list of things that I thought I was good at. It looked like this:

1. Crying about things that don't need to be cried about

2. Writing

I decided that I couldn't major in being a drama queen, so I looked at majors that involved a lot of writing. While I was scrolling through, I felt that little tug at my heart as I passed over communications. I prayed about it, and I felt confident that was where Jesus wanted me to be, so I switched majors and say goodbye to my dream of studying dead bodies forever.

I dated that boy for a couple more months before God really made it clear that His plan for me did not include him. It was hard, but I ended things. I cried a lot (again), but Jesus provided me with amazing strength and peace through it all. A few short months later, I met an amazing man of God who loves me so well.

Those friends who left cleared the way for me to meet a new group of friends. I am now surrounded by an incredible support system of girls who genuinely love me and love Jesus.

God completely wrecked my plan for my life, and for awhile I was scared it was never going to get put back together. Over time however, God has shown me that He has my best interest at heart. Even though change hurts sometimes, I'm happier because of it. My greatest gifts came from letting go of my own plan for my life and surrendering to what God has planned. Had He not changed the trajectory of my life, I wouldn't have started this blog!

A bible verse that has really helped reassure me during this time of change is Proverbs 3:6:

"In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

I still don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm confident that anything Jesus has planned for me is infinitely better than anything I could plan for myself. God knows how many hairs are on your head. If He pays that much attention to something so small, don't you think it's safe to say that he has the plan for your life all worked out?

I promise you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

I know your life might feel like a broken mess right now, but all of those broken pieces are working together in your favor to create something beautiful. 

Be patient. Trust His timing. It will all come together.

Until then, pray to Him and praise Him - 

He's making your path straight.

_________________________

Songs to listen to while you wait:

Already There - Casting crowns (a personal favorite of mine, this is my go to comfort song)

Trust In You - Lauren Daigle

Have It All - Brian Johnson, Bethel Music

Open Hands - Laura Story, Mac Powell