Having Faith Amidst Disappointment

I just graduated college in the middle of a global pandemic.

If you had asked me four years ago where I thought I was going to end up after graduation, never in a million years would I have said “unemployed and moving back in with my parents”. Never. If you had told freshman year Bailey that’s where she was headed, she would have dropped out.

And yet, that’s exactly where I am. I have the degree I worked so hard for, and every single job I have applied for has told me no. I won’t be able to afford to live on my own, so it seems that moving back in with my parents is the only option. I’ve lived on my own for four years, and now all of my furniture is going into a storage unit to collect cobwebs. My residence will be my childhood bedroom. My income will be next to nonexistent. I feel completely and utterly out of control - so here I am, degree in hand, completely lost and unsure about what’s next.

On top of all of that, I have now more than ever fallen into the social media comparison trap. I feel like there has been an enormous push on social media to really “take advantage of quarantine” - in other words, if you’re not exercising daily, eating healthy, or starting a business right now, then you’re wasting your time. I’ve been struggling on and off with this weird sense of guilt about not feeling motivated to do all of these things.

On the flip side of that guilty feeling is the reality that the current state of the world is…well, chaotic. I should be giving myself grace and being gentle with myself as I learn how to navigate this new situation, but I just can’t shake this overwhelming sense of guilt, dismay, and absolute defeat.

Disappointment doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about my current situation.

And it breaks my heart to know that so many of you are in the same boat.

I think we can all agree that the current state of the world sucks. It sucks. And there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. We are completely helpless and out of control.

So how do we move forward? How do we keep our faith when the disappointments just keep coming?

Well, the first thing we have to acknowledge is probably the most obvious: we were never in control in the first place.

We as humans constantly make the mistake of thinking that we are in control of our lives and what happens in them, and while we do make our own decisions and exercise our free will daily, it is crucial that we understand how involved God is. God doesn’t just sit and observe from above, He is an active participant in our lives. He controls what time you wake up and how many red lights you get stopped at on your way to work. He controls whether or not they’re out of toilet paper at the supermarket. He controls whether or not we have breath in our lungs and whether or not our hearts continue to beat. God is in the details of your life - even the ones that seem small and insignificant.

He is in control of everything.

The second truth that must be acknowledged is that God is good.

I know you read that, but read it again.

God does everything for the good of His holy kingdom. He is constantly preparing a place for us and moving the parts and pieces necessary to get us to the point of Christ’s return.

Here’s the thing though -

Yes, everything He does is for His kingdom, but we’re all heirs…so that kingdom He’s building? Yeah, that’s for you. You get to take part in that. You get to live with your Creator in paradise for eternity. Everything God does is for the good of the Kingdom, but you’re a part of that - meaning that He is so good that what is in the best interest of the kingdom is in your best interest as well.

I cannot stress this enough: God is good. He did not forget about you. Bad stuff is not happening to harm you, but to form you - form you into someone who is more like His perfect Son. Form you into the person you were created to be in the first place.

So if we take these two truths at face value, we can draw one conclusion: that this is all happening for a reason.

Now you’re probably thinking, “but Baileyyyy…that doesn’t make it any easier!”

Girl. I know.

I don’t think there’s anything that I could say to make this situation better for you, no matter how badly I want to. I struggle with my current reality daily. It’s not going to be easy for awhile, but you know what? We don’t need ease. You and me, we don’t need perfect. We don’t need simple.

We need to stand firm in our faith, draw near to the Father, and cling to the hope that we have in Him - and we do have hope in Him!

You’re going to be alright. You’re going to be able to look back at this absolute mess and be grateful about the way that it happened. At the end of it all, you’re going to be able to dust yourself off, smile, and say “wow, if I could make it through that, then I am beyond ready for whatever’s ahead of me.”

God is in the details of your life, and He will never abandon you. Every single thing-good and bad-is happening for your benefit. Find your peace in that.

And hey - you’re gonna be okay.

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This is a really weird time, and I know for a fact that I am not the only one struggling with the current state of my life. If you need prayer, please reach out to me! I want to create a community where praying for each other is the usual thing, so if you have any prayer, big or small, click here.

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Here’s some scripture to encourage you as you learn to navigate this season. Write these down, hang them on your mirror, and read them out loud to declare them over your life every time you see them!

Jeremiah 29:11 - “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans that are good for you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

1 Peter 1:3-4 - Because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead, we now live with great expectation. We have a priceless inheritance - an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.

Romans 12:12 - Rejoice and be confident in hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

and here’s some songs:

Already There - Casting Crowns

Breakthrough (Live) - Red Rocks Worship

Soul’s Anthem - Tori Kelly

Sweet Serendipity - Lee DeWyze

To the One (Live) - UPPERROOM

Come to Me (Spontaneous) - Bethel Music, Jenn & Brian Johnson

Gravity - Jenn & Brian Johnson

Stand Up and Fight

My anxiety has been kicking my butt lately.

The thing is, nothing is really going on. Other than the normal amount of stress than accompanies school, I have absolutely nothing to be anxious about - yet I constantly have this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and dread that something bad is going to happen. It has become such a familiar feeling that I’ve grown completely numb to its presence in my life. I don’t even try to remove it anymore; it’s like a dark passenger that’s just along for the ride. Every step I take, it’s right there with me.

This has begun to impact my spiritual life. I keep calling out to God to remove this thorn in my side, but He doesn’t - and I get frustrated. I’m so unfocused that even doing the smallest of tasks like reading my Bible or journaling feel pointless. I find my mind drifting off to a dark place. A sinful place.

This has been going on for weeks. I was in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. I couldn’t hear God’s voice, and I was beginning to think that He wasn’t even listening to my prayers.

And then He came down and delivered the most powerful spiritual uppercut that I have ever received.

I was trying to do some Bible reading, and I could feel my mind beginning to drift and think about other things. I was determined to focus though - I was so tired of this anxiety - so I audibly yelled “NO” and pushed those thoughts out.

And all of a sudden it clicked.

I have the strength in me to say no.

A light in my brain turned on and illuminated all of the darkness that I had been sitting in for weeks. All of the crap that I had been holding onto, all of the sinful thoughts, all of the guilt and shame and anxiety that I was feeling was bathed in light, and it was in that moment that I realized that all of that bad stuff had absolutely no power over me.

And then God spoke.

“Stand up and fight,” He said.

Stand up and fight.

I had spent weeks playing victim to my anxious thoughts. I had let them completely consume the precious space in my head. I thought that there was nothing I could do about it, and that this darkness that I was feeling was something that I was stuck with. The enemy had convinced me that I had no power over my own thoughts - how ridiculous is that?

We are a sinful people. It’s in our nature to sin. It’s literally bred into us. The cool thing is however, that while it is our tendency to lean towards sin, through Christ we have the ability to say no. We have the power to crush every negative thought that passes through our minds. The same spirit that brought Jesus back from the grave is alive in us. The same spirit that triumphed over sin is alive in us.

We are no longer victims to our anxiety.

We are no longer victims to our sin.

Jesus dying on the cross ensured that we never have to be victims again.

After all of this, God lead me to 1 Timothy 6:11-12. It says this:

“But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life that you have been called to.”

It goes on to say this in verse 20:

“Guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from the godless chatter and false knowledge of the world that has been professed, and in doing so has wandered from faith.”

God created your mind to be a dwelling place for Him. Your brain is a sacred place in which God communicates with you and reveals to you his purpose, as well as His love and grace. Your mind is not a place for anxiety. It is not a place for sin. By feeding into those feelings and thoughts, you’re desecrating the precious gift that God has given to you. The enemy is going to lie to you and tell you that you’re not strong enough to change your mind. You don’t deserve to be happy. This is just how things are. He will tell you anything he can to ensure that your mind stays dark -

Don’t believe him.

It’s a daily battle. You have to want to overcome it - and I have faith that you can. Dive into your Bible, even when you don’t feel like it. Arm yourself with the goodness of the word of God. Your strongest weapon against the enemy is the truth of the Gospel.

You don’t have to be a victim anymore.

You deserve a clear mind.

You have the power to say no.

Stand up and fight.

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Songs that are sure to pump you up for battle:

You Make Me Brave - Amanda Cook, Bethel Music

Singing in the Victory - Austin Stone Worship

Gravity - Jenn Johnson, Brian Johnson

I Love You - Sarah Reeves

Call Upon the Lord - Elevation Worship

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xo

@thelightclctive

Wrecking Ball

We all have these ideas in our head of what our life is going to be.

We all picture ourselves growing up and going to our dream college, getting our dream job, marrying our dream spouse, and raising our dream family. 

But then you apply for that college and you don't get in. You start what you thought was going to be the perfect major for you, and you hate it. All of your friends are in happy relationships and getting engaged, while you can't even work up the courage to talk to that cute boy in your math class. At this point, you feel like you'd be better off just moving far, far away and raising 14 cats.

If this is you, sit back and take a breath.

I feel you.

You see, I had my whole life mapped out. I had wanted to work in forensics ever since I was old enough to watch "48 Hours Mystery." I was going to go to college and study biomed for four years, go to medical school, and become a forensic pathologist. When I started classes however, I sucked at it. I had a boyfriend at the time that I thought was my end game, but beneath the surface things were far from perfect and I was incredibly unhappy. People who I thought would be my friends forever began to exit my life. I can't express to you how frustrated I was when my carefully thought out plan began to crumble. I felt completely hopeless, so I did what I do best -

I cried. REALLY cried. For like...2 hours.

In my snot covered and tear stained state, I began to make a list of things that I thought I was good at. It looked like this:

1. Crying about things that don't need to be cried about

2. Writing

I decided that I couldn't major in being a drama queen, so I looked at majors that involved a lot of writing. While I was scrolling through, I felt that little tug at my heart as I passed over communications. I prayed about it, and I felt confident that was where Jesus wanted me to be, so I switched majors and say goodbye to my dream of studying dead bodies forever.

I dated that boy for a couple more months before God really made it clear that His plan for me did not include him. It was hard, but I ended things. I cried a lot (again), but Jesus provided me with amazing strength and peace through it all. A few short months later, I met an amazing man of God who loves me so well.

Those friends who left cleared the way for me to meet a new group of friends. I am now surrounded by an incredible support system of girls who genuinely love me and love Jesus.

God completely wrecked my plan for my life, and for awhile I was scared it was never going to get put back together. Over time however, God has shown me that He has my best interest at heart. Even though change hurts sometimes, I'm happier because of it. My greatest gifts came from letting go of my own plan for my life and surrendering to what God has planned. Had He not changed the trajectory of my life, I wouldn't have started this blog!

A bible verse that has really helped reassure me during this time of change is Proverbs 3:6:

"In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."

I still don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm confident that anything Jesus has planned for me is infinitely better than anything I could plan for myself. God knows how many hairs are on your head. If He pays that much attention to something so small, don't you think it's safe to say that he has the plan for your life all worked out?

I promise you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

I know your life might feel like a broken mess right now, but all of those broken pieces are working together in your favor to create something beautiful. 

Be patient. Trust His timing. It will all come together.

Until then, pray to Him and praise Him - 

He's making your path straight.

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Songs to listen to while you wait:

Already There - Casting crowns (a personal favorite of mine, this is my go to comfort song)

Trust In You - Lauren Daigle

Have It All - Brian Johnson, Bethel Music

Open Hands - Laura Story, Mac Powell