Joy is a Fruit

Earlier this week I was scrolling through Pinterest, on a mission to find pictures for the vision board I was constructing in my office. I scrolled past many cheesy quotes (things like “dream it, do it!” and “you got this, girlboss!”), but eventually my eyes fell upon one that caused me to pause. It read:

“Happiness is a mood, joy is a fruit.”

Wow.

If you grew up going to church, then you probably remember singing that one song about the fruit of the Spirit – “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” I loved that song when I was little. Now it’s going to be stuck in my head the rest of the day.

It’s not just a song though, it’s a real verse from Galatians – Galatians 5:22-23 to be exact. It goes like this:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against these there is no law.”

I have had the fruits of the Spirit memorized since I was old enough to go to vacation Bible school, and therefore have known that joy is one of them for a very long time – I had not, however, really taken the time to think about what that truly meant until I read that quote.

You see, as Christians, we are called to live our lives radically differently than how the world expects us to live. This (as I’m sure you are more than aware) is actually incredibly difficult considering the fact that our spirit and our flesh are constantly at war with each other. The verses in Galatians 5 leading up to 22-23 actually demonstrate this:

“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these.”

The things listed above are what we naturally lean towards, and this is solidified by social media, school, and just society in general. Our flesh desires to be part of the world – to fit in regardless of the sin. So if we naturally lean in that direction, that would imply that leaning in the opposite direction (towards the fruit of the Spirit) is something that takes conscious practice. It implies that it is not something that comes naturally.

I have never thought of joy in this way, and I think that is mostly due to the fact that I have confused “joy” with “happiness”. The two may be synonyms in the thesaurus, but biblically, they could not be more different.

Happiness is a mood, which means that it is fleeting and dependent upon your circumstances and surroundings.

Joy is a fruit, which means that it is solid and rooted completely in your faith and love for Jesus.

Happiness is earthly.

Joy is Heavenly.

I spend a lot of my time trying to better myself – I go to therapy, make diet and exercise plans, journal…all things that, I believe, will turn me into a person who is joyful. I have been tricked into believing that joy is a destination to reach, which makes me yearn for the “next thing” –

“When I get married, I’ll have joy.”

“When I have a job that I love, I’ll have joy.”

“When I lose some weight, I’ll have joy.”

And on.

And on.

And on.

The cycle repeats until I die – and guess what?

I never reach my destination.

And the enemy is so tricky for making me think like that, isn’t he?

By distracting me with thoughts of what could be, I have been inadvertently tricked into believing that it is not only irrational, but impossible to have joy in the present – and I didn’t even notice.

It started small. My anxiety got a little worse, nibbling at the corners of my brain and stomach. Then, I started to hate my job and slack off. Then, I started to get grumpy and resentful towards my boyfriend, friends, and family – and the next thing I knew I was spiraling out of control with discontent.

And that is no way to live, is it?

I had grown so used to hungering for my future that I neglected filling myself up in the present. I was blind to the beauty that existed around me because I had been convinced that beauty only comes from circumstances. I wanted to be joyful, but I was confusing it with happiness, therefore making it unreachable in my current place.

Joy is a fruit. Fruit growth takes practice. It takes patience. It takes time. It takes lots of mindfulness and prayer. Learning to be joyful is an art form – and it isn’t one that is going to happen overnight.

Your enemy does not want you to have joy, and knows that you naturally lean in the direction of sin. He wants to keep you distracted with fantasies of happiness, stories of “what ifs”, keeping joy unreachable and the cycle unending. He is incredibly sneaky – so much so that, like me, you may not even notice that you’re being deceived.

That being said,  you are going to have to fight to find joy. You’re going to have to fight with all you’ve got. You’re going to have to live in a way that is radically different from the way the world wants you to live.

Despite what your enemy whispers to you, there is joy in each day. There is joy even in the valley – you just have to look a little harder.

Don’t stop fighting for joy. This world may be broken, but God’s goodness still gives new breath to our bones and light to our lives each day.

Keep fighting the Good Fight.

Battleground

I had a panic attack a few nights ago.

It had been years since I’d had one, or at least one of that scale. I couldn’t catch my breath, my stomach was in knots, and even though all I wanted to do was sleep, I laid wide awake in my queen size.

I stayed up almost the entire night, and boy did I pay for it the next day. Upon arriving at my office, I sluggishly made my way over to the espresso machine and downed a double shot. I sat at my desk, exhausted, and still not fully recovered from the overwhelming emotions of night before.

I went through the motions, doing what I needed to do: answer emails, make phone calls, drink more espresso - ya know, adult things.

When 5 o’clock rolled around, I packed up my things, closed the office, and drove home. After eating some lukewarm leftovers for dinner (I definitely could have microwaved them longer, but my espresso had just worn off), I sat on the couch and pulled out my phone, intending to scroll through Tik Tok until my eyelids felt heavy enough to go to sleep.

As I sat down though, something caught my eye - it was a book that my boyfriend’s mom purchased for me awhile back called “Get Out of Your Head.” I looked back down at my phone, but something in me forced my attention back to the book. Okay God, I thought, I’ll bite.

Author Jennie Allen had me fully invested after the first 5 sentences. In a gorgeous combination of Theology and neuroscience, she explains how the enemy has taken control of our minds, and how he continues to attack not by outright hurting us, but by using our own thoughts to trap us in endless spirals of anxiety.

Yikes.

My panic attack from a few nights prior was brought on by one of these spirals. At some point during the day, my boyfriend had replied to something that I had said with low enthusiasm.

“He’s losing interest in you” my enemy whispered, “he is going to leave you.”

And just like that, my brain had jumped all the way from A to Z, filling in every single blank along the way. With little to no evidence, I had come to the conclusion that the love of my life was no longer attracted to me, never actually loved me, and the only reason that our relationship has gone on as long as it has is because he’s too scared to tell me that he doesn’t want to be with me.

Woah.

I wasn’t up all night worrying about something that had actually happened to me - no, the reason that I was sleepless and exhausted was because of a scenario that never even happened. I made myself miserable, and all the enemy had to do was make a suggestion.

Is my psyche really that fragile? Are my thoughts truly that easily persuaded? I sat in bed pondering these things, wondering where else I had allowed such lies to take root.

It became clear to me that in almost every area of my life, I was under mental attack - anxious about my relationship, ungrateful for my job, lazy in my scripture reading & church attendance…the list went on and on, and by the end of it, there were more areas of my life that the devil was digging his ugly hands into than not.

And that really pissed me off.

I didn’t want to be numb anymore. I didn’t want to be anxious anymore. I wanted to feel like myself again. I wanted to feel confident and sure, and thankfully, I knew exactly where to start (shoutout Jennie Allen).

I drew a mental map of everything that was bothering me, along with all of the possible outcomes that my brain could possibly imagine. I then forced myself to read every single one out loud, and you know what? They all sounded absolutely ridiculous.

Don’t get me wrong, it took a couple of readings before the ridiculousness actually came out - the first couple of times I was still like “yeah, that makes sense.”

But you see, it’s very easy for us to get lost in our own brains. We are able to take something that is completely preposterous in the real world and then rationalize it, giving it a permanent home in our minds. We fixate and stew and mull it over again and again and again, and each time we think that thought, it starts to feel more real.

But it’s not real. It’s just a thought. And what are we called to do with our thoughts?

Submit them to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says:

“We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.”

Did you get that? Every. Single. Thought.

Every thought that enters and leaves your wrinkled brain is to be submitted to Christ - whether it’s about something serious or something mundane. If we do not submit our thoughts to Christ, our minds become a playground for the devil to run rampant. He will take any and every opportunity you give him to wreak havoc, and he will use the greatest weapon that he can to take you down - yourself.

The war we are fighting is not in front of us, but inside of us. The enemy is picking fights between our ears, and we’re not only allowing it, we’re encouraging it. Every single time that we indulge in the anxious thoughts he whispers in our ear, we are falling for his trap.

No more.

It’s time to wake up.

This is war.

Now, hear me say that wars are not won overnight. Unraveling all of the lies that he has so deeply woven into your subconscious are going to take awhile to locate and uproot. You are going to need to give yourself time, and most of all, grace.

I realize now that a lot of my anxious thoughts have roots deeper than the initial thought itself - things like “I am unloveable” and “I am worthless” are the culprits behind the crimes my brain commits against itself.

Let’s take my recent panic attack for example. What started with a mildly unenthusiastic word from my boyfriend jumped to:

> I’m annoying him.

> I’ve probably been annoying him for awhile now.

> I need to stop talking so much so I don’t annoy him.

> He’s going to leave me if I keep annoying him.

> He wants to leave, but he’s too scared to.

> He doesn’t actually love me anymore.

> I annoy everyone.

> Everyone leaves me.

> I am unlovable.

I know I’m not the only one who does this. I know that this is one of the most common forms of attack the enemy uses because it’s so sneaky that majority of the time we don’t even know it’s happening.

It starts with a thought, and ends in a never-ending spiral. The devil hands us a shovel, and we dig ourselves a 6-foot grave and jump right in.

We have got to get ahold of ourselves.

Or, rather, let Christ take ahold of us.

A lot of our anxious thoughts go back to our illusion of control. We have this delusion that if we worry about something enough, we’ll be prepared for it when it happens and therefore will lessen the negative effects - which is exactly what I said, a delusion.

How do I know that?

Well, for starters, my boyfriend and I are still together.

I spent an entire night fixating on an issue that didn’t exist outside of my mind. I was up all night panicking about what could happen, and it never even happened.

I told him about my ridiculous spiral the next day. He first assured me that he wasn’t going to leave me, and then followed it up with “don’t be dumb.”

We cannot keep letting the devil’s whispers run free in our minds. Your brain is a precious creation, given to you in full complexity from the One who understands it best because He created you. He knows every thought that you think before your synapses even have time to fire - let Him take care of the anxious ones.

Don’t allow yourself to be crushed under the weight of your thoughts. Your brain is a battleground, and the only way for you to win the war is to grab every thought by the neck and force it to submit to Jesus - He will take it from there.

Submitting your thoughts to Christ doesn’t mean that the bad thoughts go away - it’s actively choosing to have confidence in the fact that the One who sits on the throne is in control of your life, and that wasting another second worrying is a waste of the precious time He has given you on this earth. It’s knowing that your thoughts have no actual power over you, but Christ has executive power over them.

The battle is already won. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by your anxiety any longer. Do not dwell on the things that could be or should be, but instead, set your mind on the Truth: Jesus decided that you were to die for, and in doing so, took on the burden of sin that you could not carry. Cast your anxieties onto Him, for He cares for you.

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Link to Get Out of Your Head:

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*Disclaimer - as someone who studied psychology in college and suffers from hereditary anxiety, I know that many of you reading this experience a kind of anxiety that is rooted solely in the chemicals of your brain. Please do not read this and think that I am saying “just pray it away” or anything of the sort. While I do believe that God can do anything, including heal mental illness, I am not blind to the dark reality of anxiety and depression that exists in millions of people’s lives. While you can still choose to submit your thoughts to Christ, there is no shame in seeking treatment in the forms of therapy or medication. Going to therapy has been one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Some anxieties simply cannot be managed by yourself, so do not feel like you need to do it all alone. Asking for help is not weak, it is brave.

Honesty Hour

Can I be honest with you guys for a second? Like...really honest?

This post is a scary one for me to write - however, my goal from the very beginning of this blog has been to be painfully honest in hopes that something that I say will resonate with someone in this world. 

So let’s get into it, shall we?

At this time in my life, I am the most distant from God that I have been in...well, maybe ever.

It started with quarantine - all of the churches closed, so it was no longer an option to go. They did online sermons, but whenever I tried to watch, I found it incredibly difficult to focus and rarely got anything out of it.

So, I stopped trying.

Further, I have found that scrolling through Tik Tok for hours requires much less brain power than journaling/writing does, and even when I do try to write, it’s (again) hard to focus, and I rarely get anything out of it.

So, I stopped trying.

I still pray every night before I go to bed, but I have found that while I’m verbally saying the words, my brain is somewhere else completely. I can never stay 100% focused on what I’m praying, and it’s become more of an empty recitation than anything else. In fact (and I’m hesitant to even write this because I feel such shame about it), most of the time that I pray, I just want it to be over so I can go to sleep.

Can you believe that? I have the opportunity to talk to the One who created me, the One who knows me inside and out, and I would rather do...well, pretty much anything else. 

Why is that? Why did I stop trying? Why did I stop caring?

Where did that fire I had for Jesus go?

Church is open now, but instead of making the effort to go, I sleep in. My 10 pm reminder to journal still pops up on my phone every single night, and every single night I dismiss it. I know that my prayer life is nowhere near where it should be, and yet I do nothing to fix it. I have become completely comfortable with being distant from God - and that is terrifying.

The thing that makes this even scarier is that my life is actually going great. I have the full time job that I spent months praying for, and I’m moving into my own place at the end of this month. I have wonderful friends who care for me deeply, a boyfriend who loves me incredibly well, and my family is closer than we have been in a really long time -

so why do I have a knot in my stomach when I wake up every morning?

Somewhere deep down, I can feel my Spirit begging to be fed. I can physically feel the discomfort. My stomach tightens in guilt at the fact that I know there are so many things I could be doing to fix the issue, and yet I purposely turn from them. I intentionally choose sin and things of this earth, even though in the back of my mind I know that they will never satisfy me. I have been making excuses for myself since day one of quarantine, and in doing so I have become completely comfortable with being far from God.

And yet, He pursues me.

I’ve had a really hard time trying to accept this lately. I know that God will always welcome me back, but every time I think about it for too long, there’s this annoying voice that tells me that He won’t. It tells me that I don’t deserve it. It says that I’ve gone too far, and I am now somehow out of God’s reach completely.

But I had a realization today, and that realization is that God is not only a loving God, He is a relentless God. He is the kind of God that will leave the 99 for you. He is the kind of God that grabs you by your face and says “you are my child, and with you I am well pleased”, even when you have spent all of your time running from him. He’s the kind of God that waits for you with open arms, and always has the light on for when you return home. He’s the kind of God that will never stop chasing after you, and I know this for a fact because even with the complete apathy I’ve had towards my sin, I’ve felt these gentle nudges - like a voice in the back of my mind whispering “it’s time to come home.”

He actually wants me back - and He wants you back, too.

You can never run too far because there is no “too far” when it comes to God - His reach is as wide as the East is from the West. He will always find you, and when He does, He will give you the keys to the house and say “whenever you’re ready, the light is on.”

I think to fully appreciate this fact, we have to first fully appreciate God. He is the One who created the universe and everything in it - including you. The One who knows your every thought before you even think it. The One who feels your pain and walks with you through it. The One who makes the mountains melt and knows the name of every star in the sky. The One who set everything into motion at the beginning of time - that’s the God who wants to talk to you. That’s the God who is after your heart.

God always has time for you - the question is, do you have time for Him?

You can’t stop putting in effort when life gets loud. You can’t stop trying just because “you don’t feel like it”. You can’t allow yourself to keep making excuses, because if you do, you’re going to end up in the same hole I’ve been digging myself into for the last 6 months. 

He will meet you where you are, but you have to take the keys and unlock the door.

Whenever you’re ready, the light is on.

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This is a really weird time, and I know for a fact that I am not the only one struggling with the current state of my life. If you need prayer, please reach out to me! I want to create a community where praying for each other is the usual thing, so if you have any prayer, big or small, click here.

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Songs to encourage you:

Reckless Love - Cory Asbury

Rise Up (Lazarus) - CAIN

The Very Next Thing - Casting Crowns

Clout Christianity

“I feel like your blog is…well, for lack of a better word, heretical”

“I’ve been talking with some of the other girls in our group and we all agreed…you should post less pictures of yourself”

”Have you ever heard of Girl Defined? They talk about wearing makeup in a God-honoring way, you should really check it out”

“Wait, he’s gay? And you’re still friends? Aren’t you like…shining a negative light on God?”

Sigh.

These are all real things that people have said to me. These are actual statements made by actual Christians. And this is only a handful of things that have been said to me regarding my faith.

Today’s blog is going to be a little different, y’all. Buckle up.

I want to talk about Clout Christianity.

I want to talk about the side of Christianity that tries to make Jesus “trendy”. I want to talk about the side of Christianity that cares about favorites. I want to talk about the side of Christianity that wastes energy on nitpicking. I want to talk about the side of Christianity that is so focused on other Christians that it has completely lost sight of the ultimate mission.

This side of Christianity (which I have nicknamed “Clout Christianity”) is becoming more and more prominent. I see it all the time on social media - Christians picking fights with other Christians about the tiniest of things and tearing each other down in the name of “correction”. They spend so much energy criticizing one another, and then they call it “being loving"“.

Here’s the thing though: Clout Christianity is not loving. It just portrays itself that way. It’s very sneaky - its words can look like a kiss, but in reality, they’re a slap in the face.

Clout Christianity cares about one thing: clout.

Favorites. Likes. Double-taps. Views. Shares. Comments from other Christians saying “preach!” or “amen!” All things that can be great - to an extent.

You see, at some point, those posts that they claim are “to share truth” become a way to gain popularity. Their content becomes more targeted towards those that are already saved, which, in turn, gains them more likes and more followers (who are all - yes, you guessed it - saved).

Not only that, but they spend a lot of their time starting arguments on social media - and most of the time, these arguments are with other Christians. The topics of these disagreements vary, but if I had to use one word to describe them, it would be nitpick-y. These arguments are masqueraded as showing truth to one another, but are actually based on proving who has more theological knowledge.

“But Bailey, we’re called to lovingly correct our brothers and sisters in Christ! Haven’t you read Matthew 18?”

I’m so glad you asked, because yes…yes I have.

Let’s go over it together, shall we?

Matthew 18 verses 15 through 17 -

“If another believer sins, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. If they still don’t accept, treat them as a pagan.”

So yes, we are absolutely called to correct our brothers & sisters in Christ - but correct them in what?

SIN.

The only time that you are called to correct another believer is if they are blatantly sinning. If they are doing something detrimental to their faith -

Not if they wear too much makeup.

Not if they have gay friends.

Not if they read a different translation of the Bible than you.

There will always be room for dispute when it comes to translating the Bible. It is the word of God, but how many times can one verse be translated among different people? I mean, look at how many different denominations there are!

My point is, stop focusing on the things that don’t matter. Stop tearing down other believers. Everyone who believes that Jesus died for our sins & conquered death is on the same team - and it’s about time we start acting like it.

Church, when did we become so dang nitpick-y?

We have got to stop judging one another and calling it correction. Once we realize that we all have the same end goal - which is to grow the kingdom of God & spread the Good News to those who don’t yet know Him - there is so much more room to put love on display. Once we realize that, we can truly be a people bent on changing the world - an unstoppable force that is not hypocritical, but full of truth, love, and righteousness.

So, Clout Christian, I leave you with this question: who are you really posting for? Are you truly trying to reach the unreached, or are you trying to get a “yes & amen” from an audience that’s already saved?

Having Faith Amidst Disappointment

I just graduated college in the middle of a global pandemic.

If you had asked me four years ago where I thought I was going to end up after graduation, never in a million years would I have said “unemployed and moving back in with my parents”. Never. If you had told freshman year Bailey that’s where she was headed, she would have dropped out.

And yet, that’s exactly where I am. I have the degree I worked so hard for, and every single job I have applied for has told me no. I won’t be able to afford to live on my own, so it seems that moving back in with my parents is the only option. I’ve lived on my own for four years, and now all of my furniture is going into a storage unit to collect cobwebs. My residence will be my childhood bedroom. My income will be next to nonexistent. I feel completely and utterly out of control - so here I am, degree in hand, completely lost and unsure about what’s next.

On top of all of that, I have now more than ever fallen into the social media comparison trap. I feel like there has been an enormous push on social media to really “take advantage of quarantine” - in other words, if you’re not exercising daily, eating healthy, or starting a business right now, then you’re wasting your time. I’ve been struggling on and off with this weird sense of guilt about not feeling motivated to do all of these things.

On the flip side of that guilty feeling is the reality that the current state of the world is…well, chaotic. I should be giving myself grace and being gentle with myself as I learn how to navigate this new situation, but I just can’t shake this overwhelming sense of guilt, dismay, and absolute defeat.

Disappointment doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about my current situation.

And it breaks my heart to know that so many of you are in the same boat.

I think we can all agree that the current state of the world sucks. It sucks. And there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. We are completely helpless and out of control.

So how do we move forward? How do we keep our faith when the disappointments just keep coming?

Well, the first thing we have to acknowledge is probably the most obvious: we were never in control in the first place.

We as humans constantly make the mistake of thinking that we are in control of our lives and what happens in them, and while we do make our own decisions and exercise our free will daily, it is crucial that we understand how involved God is. God doesn’t just sit and observe from above, He is an active participant in our lives. He controls what time you wake up and how many red lights you get stopped at on your way to work. He controls whether or not they’re out of toilet paper at the supermarket. He controls whether or not we have breath in our lungs and whether or not our hearts continue to beat. God is in the details of your life - even the ones that seem small and insignificant.

He is in control of everything.

The second truth that must be acknowledged is that God is good.

I know you read that, but read it again.

God does everything for the good of His holy kingdom. He is constantly preparing a place for us and moving the parts and pieces necessary to get us to the point of Christ’s return.

Here’s the thing though -

Yes, everything He does is for His kingdom, but we’re all heirs…so that kingdom He’s building? Yeah, that’s for you. You get to take part in that. You get to live with your Creator in paradise for eternity. Everything God does is for the good of the Kingdom, but you’re a part of that - meaning that He is so good that what is in the best interest of the kingdom is in your best interest as well.

I cannot stress this enough: God is good. He did not forget about you. Bad stuff is not happening to harm you, but to form you - form you into someone who is more like His perfect Son. Form you into the person you were created to be in the first place.

So if we take these two truths at face value, we can draw one conclusion: that this is all happening for a reason.

Now you’re probably thinking, “but Baileyyyy…that doesn’t make it any easier!”

Girl. I know.

I don’t think there’s anything that I could say to make this situation better for you, no matter how badly I want to. I struggle with my current reality daily. It’s not going to be easy for awhile, but you know what? We don’t need ease. You and me, we don’t need perfect. We don’t need simple.

We need to stand firm in our faith, draw near to the Father, and cling to the hope that we have in Him - and we do have hope in Him!

You’re going to be alright. You’re going to be able to look back at this absolute mess and be grateful about the way that it happened. At the end of it all, you’re going to be able to dust yourself off, smile, and say “wow, if I could make it through that, then I am beyond ready for whatever’s ahead of me.”

God is in the details of your life, and He will never abandon you. Every single thing-good and bad-is happening for your benefit. Find your peace in that.

And hey - you’re gonna be okay.

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This is a really weird time, and I know for a fact that I am not the only one struggling with the current state of my life. If you need prayer, please reach out to me! I want to create a community where praying for each other is the usual thing, so if you have any prayer, big or small, click here.

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Here’s some scripture to encourage you as you learn to navigate this season. Write these down, hang them on your mirror, and read them out loud to declare them over your life every time you see them!

Jeremiah 29:11 - “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans that are good for you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

1 Peter 1:3-4 - Because God raised Jesus Christ from the dead, we now live with great expectation. We have a priceless inheritance - an inheritance that is kept in heaven for you, pure and undefiled, beyond the reach of change and decay.

Romans 12:12 - Rejoice and be confident in hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

and here’s some songs:

Already There - Casting Crowns

Breakthrough (Live) - Red Rocks Worship

Soul’s Anthem - Tori Kelly

Sweet Serendipity - Lee DeWyze

To the One (Live) - UPPERROOM

Come to Me (Spontaneous) - Bethel Music, Jenn & Brian Johnson

Gravity - Jenn & Brian Johnson

The Hammer & the Dollar Bill

I don’t know about you guys, but I am absolutely terrible at resting.

Maybe it’s the way that we were raised. Maybe it’s social media. Maybe it stems from our generation’s need to be admired. Whatever it is, I think we can all agree on one thing - it’s not healthy.

I knew this year was going to be busy. I was working three jobs, running social media and designing apparel for the cheer squad I’m a part of, and juggling studying and homework for all of my classes. On top of all of that, I was dealing with some emotional baggage that had recently come into my life. 

Needless to say, I became overwhelmed very quickly. One night, I decided to write down everything that needed to be done in the upcoming month - and I began to bawl.

We’re not talking cute, Disney princess tears. I’m talking laying on my floor, being unable to catch my breath, absolutely panic-sobbing. Ya know, the kind that wakes up your neighbors. I hadn’t had a single night off in weeks, and I wasn’t about to get one any time soon. I was absolutely exhausted.

Through my puffy eyes I began to journal and pray about what to do. I clearly couldn’t continue on like this, I was a mess. I asked God what to do - should I quit one of my jobs? Stop cheering? Just drop out of school altogether?

The whole time I was writing, one annoying thought kept echoing in my head:

What if I miss out on something?

I’ve always had this fear that I’m going to make a mistake and mess up my entire life. I was taking every opportunity that was thrown my way in fear of “missing the mark.” What if I didn’t take a job, but that job ended up being the one I needed? What if I throw myself off track and completely ruin my life because I threw away an opportunity? Everyone talks about how God opens doors - but what if He opens one and I don’t walk through it?

The next day, I spoke to my therapist about this. She asked me one question:

“Bailey, you are a human what?”

“...being?” I replied, confused.

“Exactly. You are a human being, not a human doing.”

That clicked for me. As simple as it was, that was all I needed to hear. I was spending way too much time focused on completing tasks, and wasn’t taking any time to just be - and it wasn’t fair to my body. 

Rest is something that has been necessary from the beginning of time. It’s written in Genesis that on the seventh day of creation, God rested. 

Did you get that? GOD rested.

He didn’t rest because He was tired, but to demonstrate for us what He knew we were going to need. Rest reminds us how small we are compared to God, and that He cares about us so much that He never takes his eyes off of us. We can lay down and sleep at night knowing that we are taken care of, because our God never grows tired.

Humans need to rest - it’s literally part of our design.

Somewhere along the line though, we got that messed up. Somewhere along the line we started associating our worth with what we accomplish - the more tasks the complete, the more admiration we get, and that proves that we’re worthy.

Have you ever heard the hammer/dollar metaphor?

Let’s say you have a hammer, and it’s a really great hammer. It helps you with projects around the house, and you totally love it.

One day however, you notice that it’s starting to get a little rusty, so you decide to throw that hammer out and buy a new one. You like this one too, but when you’re working on a project, the handle breaks. So, you throw it out and get another new one.

Let’s also say that you have a dollar bill. You put it in your pocket, forget about it, and it goes through the wash. When you find it again, it’s all wrinkled and soggy. You shrug and put it in your wallet anyway.

The hammer lost value over time. If it got damaged or became outdated, you could replace it.

The dollar bill however, did not. No matter how many times you crumple that thing or put it through the wash, its value can’t depreciate.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

When God looks at you, He doesn’t see a hammer. Your value to God does not depend on your functionality, your condition, or your accomplishments. 

God looks at you like the dollar bill. There is absolutely nothing you can do that could make you lose worth in His sight. Because of the cross, He doesn’t see how dirty or crumpled up you are - He sees his perfect & precious son. He doesn’t say “come to me, all who are perfect and have accomplished much.” He says “come to me, all who are worn out and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

Rest is a necessity, not an option. It’s okay to take a break from life in order to recharge. Your worth is not dependent on what you check off on your to-do list, and you’re not going to mess up God’s plan for you. He’s too big and powerful to allow that. 

Slow down and take care of yourself, you can’t miss what God has predestined to be yours.

_________________________

Songs to listen to while you take a break:

Gravity - Jenn Johnson & Brian Johnson

In Over My Head - Bethel Music

_________________________

Call an Exterminator

A few weeks ago, my world got flipped upside down.

I’m not going to go into details, but just know that it was ugly. The depression that overcame me was so heavy I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to watch TV. I didn’t even want to sleep, but seeing as I couldn’t get myself to move from my bed, that’s how I spent most of my days.

Eventually I got tired of feeling this way, and told my parents that I needed to go to therapy.

You see, this was a big deal for me. I’ve always been a big advocate for therapy, and even went when I struggled with anxiety when I was younger. I encourage the people around me to get help when they need it, but for some reason I felt weak going this time. I felt like I was giving in. I felt like going to therapy meant that I was damaged or broken, which made no sense considering I have always felt so positively about it.

I also felt like I wouldn’t learn anything from therapy. I thought that I would sit there and listen to some 50-something year old would ask me what events lead to this depressive episode and how this has made me feel, and to be completely honest…I didn’t want to talk to anyone about how I felt. I had all my walls up, and all I wanted was to be able to lay in bed and pray it all away, then wake up in the morning depression-free.

On top of all of that, I thought that getting help meant that I was a bad Christian. I thought that it meant I wasn’t relying on God enough. I thought that it would make me a hypocrite. I felt like since I have this blog and I’m constantly comforting people and giving advice, that I should be able to do it on my own. I felt like you guys would look at me and think I’m not worthy to talk about the things that I talk about or pray for you guys or give you advice or…you get my point.

I thought that asking for help made me weak.

On my first day of therapy, I was so nervous that I was shaking as I filled out the insurance paperwork. I wasn’t even talking about what had happened yet, and I already felt like I was going to throw up the blueberry bagel that I had for breakfast.

I felt a wave of calm come over me however, when I actually met my therapist. She was young and fashionable, and I felt my stomach knot loosen. It was nice to have someone close to my age & my same gender helping me out.

How did my first session go, you ask?

I started crying within the first 5 minutes of talking and didn’t stop until our hour was up.

I kept apologizing - “I’m sorry I’m such a mess. Ugh, I’m so sorry for crying. Wow I can’t stop crying, I’m sorry!'“

She got fed up with that pretty quickly.

“Why are you apologizing for expressing your emotions? You never have to apologize for feeling, especially not to me.”

That made me cry even harder.

I didn’t realize it until that day, but I’ve always kind of hid what I’m feeling from other people. I felt like if I told other people what was going on in my head, they would think that I was being dramatic or that I was weak. I told her that, and she said something that blew my mind.

“Other people don’t think that about you Bailey, you think that about you.”

She went on to tell me about these annoying things that our brains sometimes have called ANTs. “ANT” stands for “automatic negative thought,” and they represent your core beliefs about yourself. She pulled a list of them out of her desk drawer and asked me to check the ones that I thought I struggled with.

There were 17 ANTs on the list.

I checked 13 of them.

I was blown away. How did I not notice how sick I was? How did I not notice how unhealthy and toxic my thoughts had become? When did it get this bad? I was literally bullying myself mentally and wasn’t thinking twice about it.

“So, what do I do?” I asked, still totally bewildered by the length of my list.

“Well, what would you do if you had a large infestation of ants in your house?”

I laughed. It felt like a silly question.

“Call an exterminator?”

“Call an exterminator! But in this case, you are the exterminator,” she said. “The first step is noticing that they’re there. Now that you know that these thoughts exist in your head, you can start to change them. It’s your job to interrupt the negative with something positive.”

You guys, just this one conversation has completely turned my life around. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a daily challenge, as negative thoughts don’t just go away overnight - but I can feel myself changing. I can feel the growth. I can feel my mind de-clouding, and day by day I’m learning to interrupt my negative thoughts with positive ones. I’m learning what it truly means to love and take care of myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time taking care of other people, often times completely neglecting my own needs (enneagram type 2’s, where ya at?). I thought that I was being selfless by always putting myself last, but in reality that was actually the most selfish thing I could have done - I couldn’t get out of bed, and therefore could be of no help to anyone. I became depressed because it was the only way my body could get my attention. My brain had been screaming “hey you! I need help!” for months, only to be pushed aside. I’ve always tried to live by the verse “love your neighbor as yourself,” but I never took into consideration the fact that that verse implies that there is in fact love for myself in the first place.

If you take anything from this, please hear me say that asking for help does not make you weak. It doesn’t make you a bad Christian. It doesn’t make you a hypocrite.

It makes you human.

God put people with a passion for medicine and therapy on this earth for a reason - to be used!

You can’t give out of an empty bucket. You can’t serve others when your mind is sick. You can’t go where God wants to send you when you’re stuck in bed and eating saltine crackers with peanut butter for your third meal of the day.

Don’t belittle yourself for needing help. Take daily steps to care for yourself. Give yourself some love.

You deserve it.

_________________________

If you want to read more about ANTs, click here - I couldn’t find a link with all 17, but the ones listed are the most common.

If you have any questions or want to share your therapy experience with me (or you just want to say hi!), please don’t hesitate to reach out to me! All of my contact info is in the “contact” tab listed under “more.”

_________________________

The Most Important Thing You'll Ever Read

Long time no see!

I was in the middle of writing a new post yesterday when my computer glitched and, to my dismay, deleted everything that I had written. I took it as a sign from God that He had something better in mind for me to write about, so I took a moment to pray and ask what it was. After about ten minutes, I got frustrated and decided to go for a drive. I listened to some worship music and started praying, asking God “well if I wasn’t supposed to write about that, what should I write about?”

The first song that came on shuffle was the song “Even So Come” by Passion. The entire premise of the song is about the second coming of Christ, and how His people are preparing for His glorious return.

And then something occurred to me.

After all this time I’ve spent talking to you guys about Jesus, I’ve never out and out explained the Gospel, which is quite literally the most important part of the Bible -

and what better day to do it than Good Friday?

I took a class a couple years ago about how to explain the Gospel in an effective way (shoutout to Jeff Dodge, author of Gospel 101), but I want to incorporate some things that I have personally learned in my faith walk as well.

With that being said, let’s begin.

The second song that came on shuffle for me was “Good Good Father” by Jess & Gabriel, so I thought I would start off by talking about who God is.

I remember a pastor saying one time that whatever comes to your mind when asked “who is God?” is the most important thing about you.

So, who is God to you?

What comes to your mind?

Responses vary, but I feel like one of the most common images people have of God is of this wicked, domineering, and often times cruel being who punishes us when we mess up -

and that couldn’t be more wrong.

God isn’t anything like that - just like the song title says, He is a good father. Unfortunately, because of sin and human’s natural tendency to be hateful and judgmental, people’s impressions of God are negative. We can’t wrap our minds around the idea of a “kind God” because often times, the people who are meant to represent Him on earth are not kind.

The cool thing about God is that he is nothing like humans. Yes, we are made in His image, but we are all sinful and fall short of His glory. Where we are judgmental, He is the embodiment of justice. Where we are unforgiving, He is full of grace. Where we are hateful, He is loving.

The next song that came on was “Even If” by MercyMe. This reminded me of another cool thing about God - He not only sees your hurting, He understands it. He experienced it. He knows your pain fully, and there’s no hurt so big or heart so broken that He can’t fix it.

If you’re reading this and you don’t believe in God or you haven’t gone to church because someone told you that “you weren’t” good enough or that “you don’t meet the standard,” then hear me say this: God is welcoming to all. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, or what you’ve done, all are welcome. There’s not a standard of “goodness” you have to meet to enter His kingdom. You don’t earn your way into salvation. He created you, He loves you, and He wants you in His family.

The only thing He asks for in return is love.

Oh boy this is my favorite part.

2,000 years ago today, Jesus Christ was sentenced to death on a cross. The authorities whipped him with lead-tipped whips, stole his clothing and paraded Him through the city, forced Him to carry a 300 pound cross that He was eventually nailed to, and hung Him there to die.

Believe it or not, that wasn’t the most painful part.

No, the most painful part was when he took on the weight of all sin. God is too holy and perfect to be in the presence of sin, so when Jesus hung on that cross, God turned away from his one and only son so that He could fully take on the weight of my sin and yours. The most painful part wasn’t the physical pain. It was the separation. He knew when he came to earth what he was going to have to endure, but that didn’t stop Him from coming.

Are you understanding what I’m saying?

God sent His precious son to suffer for you.

Yes, you specifically. Not “you” as in the human race. You. You reading this. Jesus died for you. He saw all of your mistakes, all of your shortcomings, all of the things that you would do in your life, and He said “they’re worth it.”

When Jesus came, He was fully human and fully God (hard to wrap your mind around, I know. Some things we just aren’t really meant to understand). He had the power to stop the crucifixion at any time, but He didn’t. His love for you kept Him up there. He went to the grave for you.

But He didn’t stay dead.

Ahh. Goosebumps.

Yes, Jesus died on that Friday - but three days later, He rose from the grave, triumphing over death. When He rose, He held our salvation in His hands. Because of Him, we no longer have to bear the wrath of God for our mistakes. Jesus took care of it all.

Praise the Lord.

Back in Biblical times, there was a section of the temple called “the Holy of Holies,” which was God’s earthly dwelling place. It was such a holy place, that the priest could only enter once a year under incredibly special conditions. The Holy of Holies was separated from the rest of the temple, sectioned off by a veil.

Here’s the thing though.

When Jesus died, that veil was torn.

Like, literally torn. Ripped in two from top to bottom. This signified that, through Jesus, we now have free access to God.

Praise the LORD!

I understand that this is a lot to take in, so allow me to recap:

God is perfect and without sin.

Because man is naturally sinful (thanks a lot, Adam and Eve), we could not be in the presence of God.

God has one son - Jesus.

Jesus came to earth on a rescue mission.

He went to the cross and bore the weight of all of our sin.

He died.

The veil was torn.

On the third day, He was resurrected.

Because of all of these things, we now have 100% free access to God.

All we have to do is accept Jesus as our Lord and savior.

Because, well - He is.

This is the most important message you’ll ever hear.

Romans 3:23-24 says it like this:

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from penalty for our sins.”

So, who is God to you?

What comes to your mind?

He’s waiting at the door. All you have to do is let Him in.

I invite you to take just a minute out of your day to pray. Just try it.

What’s the worst that could happen?

If you have any questions or need clarification on anything, please shoot me an email or a DM (thelightclctive@gmail.com // @thelightclctive).

_________________________

Instead of giving you a song to listen to, I want you to go read John 19-20. It’s the crucifixion story. Read it. Believe it. Live it.

_________________________

Okay fine. I will give you ONE song.

The Gospel - Ryan Stevenson

Be a Friend

When I was younger, I didn’t have very many friends.

I didn’t really have any friends, actually. I was a pretty lonely kid. I didn’t talk to people in fear that they might think I was weird or awkward, so I just kept to quiet. I spent a lot of time by myself, and I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts.

The anxiety didn’t set in all at once, it built up over time. My brain was a ticking time bomb of unexpressed emotions. I was so lonely - I had convinced myself that I was too socially awkward to make friends, and that I was unworthy of friendship. The enemy berated my brain daily; he had a tight grip on my thoughts. He whispered to me over and over that I was worthless and that no one liked me. The worst part is that I believed him. Eventually, everything got so pent up that it had to come out.

I remember walking down the stairs and seeing my parents sitting in the living room. I was too tired to beat around the bush, so I just came out and said it -

“I’m thinking about killing myself.”

Saying those words aloud opened up a floodgate of emotion. I had a large-scale panic attack that lasted five days. In those five days, I stayed home from school so my parents and church leaders could counsel me, pray with me, and provide me with more love and comfort than I could ever ask for. I thank God for those people every day.

God was so faithful through the whole thing. He pulled me close, and provided me with loving comfort. I went to see a therapist, who helped me learn how to work through my feelings. God continued to place people in my life to take care of me. Over time, the anxiety subsided and my confidence grew, and I started to reach out to people at school and church. I made friends, and the loneliness that was once so rock solid within me fell apart.

When I began to heal, I made two promises to myself:

1. I would never allow myself to get that low again without talking to someone about it.

2. I never wanted anyone to feel the way I felt, and if someone needed a friend then I would do everything in my power to make them feel loved.

I would be the light.

In our world, not everybody’s story ends like mine. Not everyone has a happy ending. We live in a world where we are constantly at each other’s throats with criticism and judgement. We ostracize people because they’re “different” or they’re “not cool.” We judge people solely based on their physical appearance and rumors that we hear from others. If they don’t measure up to our standards, they don’t get our friendship.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. I’ve been so lonely that I wanted to die, but I’ve also been the mean girl. I’ve excluded people and made them feel unloved because of my own insecurities. I’ve blatantly ignored people because I thought they weren’t good enough for me. I’ve treated people like they’re an inconvenience to me. I’ve deliberately spread rumors about people just to bring them down. I’ve been bullied, but I’ve also been a bully.

Matthew 22:39 states it clearly:

“Love your neighbor as yourself.”

When Jesus says that, he calls it the “second greatest commandment,” the first being to love God above all else. Love God, then love people.

Why is that so dang hard?

I don’t mean that sarcastically either - it’s hard to love everyone around you. Trust me, I know. But imagine how different our world would be if we were even just a little bit kinder to those around us.

Often times, it seems that Christians are the worst at this. There has been multiple occasions where I have invited someone to church and they have declined because “they feel judged.” There have also been occasions where someone has found out that I’m a Christian and they no longer felt like they could share things with me because they feared I was going to judge them.

What kind of name have we made for God by being judgmental?

God himself is the supreme judge, but unlike ours, his judgements are just and righteous. We as humans have no right to cast judgement on our neighbor, and by doing so we give the impression that God is as irrational and frivolous as we are. The reality is that we serve a loving God. If God loves us despite our ugly sins, we can love each other.

Let me say that again.

If God - the creator of the universe and everything in it - calls us to love our neighbor as ourselves, then we have absolutely no right to do anything less than that.

Next time you think about judging someone for their appearance, consider this: that person is an image bearer.

Just like you.

Next time you think about screenshotting someone’s post on social media and gossiping about it in your group chat, consider this: that person deserves love and grace.

Just like you.

Next time you see someone sitting alone, consider this: inviting them to sit with you could change their entire day, and possibly their entire outlook on life.

Just like it would for you if you were in their shoes.

Show Jesus to someone today. Be a light. Be a friend. Invite someone who’s lonely to sit by you. Reach out to an old friend you haven’t talked to in awhile. Doing something as small as complimenting a stranger could change the entire trajectory of their day.

Where’s the harm in extending love?

What do you have to lose by being kind?

_________________________

I only have one song for you this time, but it’s a good one:

One Awkward Moment - Casting Crowns

*edit - I lied. I want to add one more song:

Nobody - Casting Crowns feat. Matthew West

Hot Mess

My dating life is a complete mess.

It's been a mess for awhile - since second semester my junior year of high school, to be exact.

Going into my freshman year of college, I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship with a boy that I had started dating in high school. He was sweet and funny, and we shared a lot of common interests. When that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity. 

Yet I still thought that I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a couple months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was mysterious and artistic, and he made me mixtapes filled with all kinds of incredible music. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a few more months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was a Christian and went to church with me, prayed with me, took me on dates, and was respectful. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Are you seeing the pattern yet?

All of my romantic relationships have followed the same timeline. For the first few months, it's amazing. It's exciting getting to know someone and go on dates and ride that "honeymoon high." I do everything I can to make the guy happy, even if it means compromising my morals to do so. Eventually, when the excitement fades, communication becomes sparse and I'm filled with anxiety. Not wanting to put myself through a breakup, this is about the time that I start compromising my morals to try to get them to stay. It never works, the fighting continues and escalates, and it results in a breakup. Every. Single. Time.

You would think that after years of repetition, I would figure out what I was doing wrong and fix it. It wasn't until this summer that I finally found the key.

You see, I really desire marriage - I spend way too much time thinking about the ring, the dress, the venue... spending eternity with the person I love is my dream. I want it so badly that it clouds my judgment in relationships and makes me want to hold onto the wrong boys.

After my last boyfriend and I broke up, I wrote a letter to God. In the letter, I wrote:

"I give my heart away to any person who asks for it. I'm tired, Father. I'm tired of trying to find satisfaction in boys when you're the only one who can satisfy. Tonight, I only have one request - that you take my heart in its entirety and hold onto it until the right boy comes. Until then, keep it safe and protected, guard it, and fill it in the way that only You can."

And let me tell you -

God did some wild things.

Instead of feeling broken and devastated the next morning (as you usually do after a breakup), I felt peaceful. Don't get me wrong, a lot of pain was still there - but amidst all of the pain I felt this gentle, incredible warmth. It was like I was being wrapped in a gigantic hug, and it stayed with me throughout the day.

Day by day, I got stronger. More independent.

I started reading my Bible and journaling more. Instead of writing normal prayers, it was kind of like having a pen pal - I told Him how my day went and was honest about my feelings. I shared everything ranging from my most anxious of thoughts to my loftiest dream.

I started to take better care of myself. Not because I wanted to impress anyone, but because I wanted to take better care of the body God created for me. I got on a regular exercise regimen and cut out sugar, and I started getting more sleep a night.

And then something amazing happened.

I woke up one day and felt total satisfaction. I can't even describe it, I feel like a totally new person. Every person that I see gets a smile, and I have this overwhelming urge to tell everyone how amazing and loved they are. I look in the mirror and I adore my reflection. I go to church and I worship with both hands up without a care in the world. I've stopped blaming myself for everything, and I feel at peace with mistakes that I had made in the past. I have fallen completely in love with myself -

and it's all because I have completely fallen in love with Jesus.

Psalm 139:13 says:

"You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well."

God made your heart, you can trust Him to take care of it. I was a hot mess for so long, but when I gave Jesus my whole heart, He filled me to the brim with love. He satisfied my every want. This is truly the best thing that I have ever done for myself; I have never felt so secure. I no longer seek comfort from boys, and in fact, I don't even feel like I need a boyfriend - I've got other things to do!

What I realized is that I spent so much time pining after a marriage and the future that I wasn't enjoying what was right in front of me. I was living in a "what if" world, and it kept me from feeling satisfied. God was blessing me with gift after gift, and I was so focused on my future that I didn't even notice.

I don't want to miss any more time - these are years of my life that I can never get back. I want to live them as fully as possible, so someday when I actually am married I can look back and feel content knowing that I took nothing for granted. That "someday" could be 5 years from now, or it could be 15 -

why would I waste that precious time worrying about my future when it's already taken care of?

Learn to trust in His perfect timing.

Learn to live in the present, it truly is a gift.

Learn to love Jesus. It'll help you love yourself more. It'll help you love others more.

_________________________

Songs to listen to while you learn to love yourself (and be completely satisfied in Jesus!):

Something About You - Sarah Reeves

Shadow Step - Hillsong United

Found in You - Vertical Worship

You Make Me Brave - Amanda Cook, Bethel Music

Let Them See You - JJ Weeks Band

_________________________

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xo

@thelightclctive

God the Farmer

If I'm being brutally honest, I've felt more disconnected from Jesus these past few months than I have in awhile. Not for any particular reason - nothing bad has happened that has made me want to distance myself, but nothing over-the-top exciting is happening to set me on fire either. You hear people talk about hills and valleys all the time, but I want to talk to you about the place that I am, and I'm sure many of you may be too -

the plains.

I'm an Iowa native, so I'm all too familiar with this kind of terrain. Very flat, very uninteresting, not a lot going on - like a geographical pancake. Driving through Iowa can be both dull and confusing, because all of the landscape looks exactly the same. I often find myself struggling to find ways to entertain myself on long drives across state, because focusing on the road itself is just so boring.

Spiritual plains aren't that different - when you're in a spiritual plain, doing things as small as reading your Bible can become tedious. It becomes difficult to hear Him. It's almost like you're stumbling around in a pitch black room trying to find the light switch so you can see where you are and where the door is, but you can't find it. In prayer, I often find myself asking God "what next?"or "what's the purpose of all of this waiting?"

"Are You even there?" 

The answer (although it may be hard to believe) is yes. God never leaves your side no matter what.

So, why the silent treatment?

Growing up in Iowa, I learned quite a few things about farming (haha, let the stereotypical Iowa jokes begin). We're nicknamed "the corn state," because that is our primary crop to grow and export. Our land is perfect for it - we have rainy weather all through April, which is when the seeds are planted. The balance of humid and dry days throughout the summer months provide a stable climate for the seeds to cultivate. But most importantly of all, it's nice and flat, which makes it easy to plow and tend to. Corn can't grow in the bumpy terrain of the Colorado rockies, nor can it grow in the mossy swamps of Florida. It takes a very special kind of land for the seeds to take root and thrive.

In other words, the plains are perfect for growth.

When a seed is planted, it can't see what's going on - all it can see is the darkness of the soil surrounding it. Then slowly, over time, it begins to change. It begins to get bigger and sprout, eventually poking its way through the earth and up into the world. By harvest season, it's full grown and ready to fulfill its purpose.

You've heard of God the Father...now get ready to meet God the Farmer.

James 5:7-8 says "Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near."

You may feel like nothing's happening, but that's only because growing takes time. God has planted you in exactly the place you need to be in order to thrive. He knows how much rain you need and how much sun. He takes the time to pluck weeds out of your way so you can better spread your roots. He is tenderly caring for you and protecting you.

It may feel tedious and monotonous, but you should definitely take this time to dive into His word. Think of it as adding fertilizer - it'll help you grow.

And remember -

no matter how unsure you feel, you can count on one thing for certain - God is using this time in the plain to grow you and shape you so that you're ready to fulfill your purpose in the harvest season.

Have confidence in that.

_________________________

Songs to jam out to while you grow:

So Will I (100 Billion X) - Hillsong United

Shadow Step - Hillsong United

Good Fight - Unspoken

Hope in Front of Me - Danny Gokey

The Lord our God - Passion, Kristian Stanfill

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xo

@thelightclctive

Attitude Adjustment

I catch myself complaining a lot...like a lot a lot. A ridiculous amount. It's like some kind of sick talent - I can turn any situation into something negative to be complained about. Just this morning, I woke up and noticed that I had developed a large red zit on my cheek over night. Even though the rest of my skin still looked good, I just couldn't look past that one zit. It drove me crazy, and I talked about it for ten minutes. Yeah, you heard me right - ten. Ten whole minutes of my life wasted on a small bump on my cheek. How ridiculous is that?

We all do it though. Everyone has something to complain about, which got me thinking - why do we complain?

I was thinking about this question all night, and when I woke up this morning it hit me: we complain because we think we deserve better - better skin, a better job with higher income, better friends, a better body, just better. 

This got me thinking about a second question: why do we think we deserve better?

Today, I want to talk to you about a silent killer - pride. 

Pride defined is a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements. I say "silent killer" because most of the time we don't notice it. Pride is sneaky, making it a sin that's easy to commit. It's easy to correct a behavior when you notice yourself physically doing it, like disrespecting your parents or lying. It's much harder when that behavior is internal - and when literally everyone around you is doing the same thing.

Our world teaches us that if we want something, we should be able to get it. It teaches us that life should be fair, so it hands out participation trophies and stickers that say "A for effort!" This embeds in us the idea that no matter what we do, we deserve a reward, which in turn boosts our pride. 

Don't get me wrong, it's good in small doses. It's good to be proud of yourself for getting an A on a test that you studied really hard for, or when you achieve a personal goal. It becomes dangerous when you begin to feel entitled. It becomes dangerous when you start to feel like you deserve something that someone else has. It becomes dangerous when you begin to see yourself as better than someone else. It's dangerous when your attitude becomes "I am great, look and see what I have done."

I think we all need an attitude adjustment.

It starts with shifting our thinking. Instead of "I deserve that," think "God has given me what I have for a reason."

"They're not as good as me" to "they are my brother/sister in Christ."

"I am great, look and see what I have done" to "God is great, look and see what great things He has done."

You see, pride is self-glorification. When you allow yourself to be overcome with pride, you're taking the spotlight that should be on God and putting it on yourself. You're saying that you deserve more glory than - wait for it - the Creator of the universe.

When Jesus came to earth, he came in a manger. His mother and father didn't have much. He worked as a carpenter. He was fully God, yet He came has a humble servant. Philippians 2:5-8 says:

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, and took the very nature of a servant, made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death - even death on a cross!"

Jesus set the perfect example of what humility looks like and called us to follow. The passage in Philippians goes on to say that because of His obedience and willingness to put the entire world before Himself, God exalted Him and gave Him the highest of honors. God rewarded Jesus's humility -

He'll do the same for you. 

In a world that teaches us to be prideful, let us instead be humble.

It's way more fulfilling.

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Here's some songs about how awesome Jesus is (there's no one like Him!):

Lamb of God - Vertical Worship

Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace) - Hillsong Worship

Reckless Love - Cory Asbury

The Law of Demand

Last semester, I suffered through a macroeconomics class. I was absolutely terrible at it, and because I didn't understand majority of the content I didn't take a whole lot away from the class overall. One of the only things I remember is the law of demand, specifically that our demand for "more stuff" is never ending. No matter what, people are always going to want more. 

I think this unending want is innate, but is encouraged from a young age. We're taught that it's good to want more, and that the want for more is a sign of a good work ethic. As we grow up, we begin to equate "happiness" to "more stuff." It's not on purpose, it's just how we are (and how we're socialized). We think that if we can just get that one thing that we want, we will be happy and our desire for more will be met - but that isn't how the law of demand works.

The reason that the law of demand reigns supreme is because all of the things we're craving are temporary, as in the pleasure they provide for us is fleeting. In the end, we always end up craving more - more money, more sex, more authority at work, more attention - just more.

You may be asking yourself what this has to do with Jesus.

Well, allow me to introduce you to the love bucket metaphor.

We are human buckets. In order to achieve happiness, we fill our buckets with things that we love. This can be things like the affection of a boyfriend, drinking, shopping - basically anything that brings us comfort. The problem however, is that we are all born with a God-sized hole in our bucket. Each time we fill it with things of this earth, they slowly trickle out the hole in our buckets, leaving us empty again and again. Until we learn to patch that hole, our buckets can never be filled and we will never feel satisfied. 

It makes sense that we would patch a God-sized hole with God, but that's easier said than done. There are so many tangible and pleasurable things that we have access to, which makes it difficult to focus on God. We are so focused on getting "the next best thing" that we sometimes forget that God even exists.

I am incredibly guilty of this. I am a serial bucket-filler, and I fill it the most with boys. It's nice to feel loved, but I rely so much on the other person to make me feel complete that I always end up feeling disappointed and uncared for. This has made my romantic life very frustrating. It doesn't make sense to ask a boy to fill a God-sized hole, yet I expect them to do it over and over. 

Maybe you're the same way. Maybe your problem isn't boys, maybe it's spending money on things you don't really need. Maybe it's food. Maybe it's drugs or drinking. Maybe it's sleep. Whatever it is that you're relying on to make you happy is what you're using to fill your bucket - and if it's not God, you're always going to end up with that same empty feeling.

The cool thing about God is that He's overflowing with love, and He's not going to withhold the love that you're craving. In fact, He's waiting for you to accept it! Jesus is standing at the door of your heart, love in hand, ready to pour into you and fill your bucket at any time you wish - all you gotta do is let Him in!

It goes both ways though - you can't expect Jesus to come and pour into you if you're not pouring into Him. He wants a relationship with you, and relationships - as you know - require lots and lots of effort from both sides. Jesus is more than willing to do His part and fill you up, but you have to be willing to spend time with Him. Talk to Him. Pray fervently. Open your Bible and read His word. Having a relationship with Jesus is the most rewarding and fulfilling thing you can do for yourself. Ephesians 3:18-19 says:

"may you have the strength to comprehend what is the breadth and length and height and depth of the love of Christ for you that surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God."

God is ready to patch up your bucket.

Are you going to let Him?

(hint: you should.)

It will fill you up more than you thought possible, and will satisfy your every desire.

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Songs to praise Him to (because He's so good):

Satisfied - Jordan Feliz

O Come to the Altar - Elevation Worship

Spirit of the Living God - Vertical Worship