How to be Beautiful

I hate that you opened this.

I mean maybe it’s because you genuinely enjoy my writing and read everything I post, but odds are you clicked on it because you want to know how to feel beautiful -

which implies that you don’t think you are already.

I know, I know, lots of jumping to conclusions, and it’s only the first paragraph of this post - but am I wrong?

When I was younger, I was obsessed with this book series called “The Clique”. It was centered around these rich, beautiful, teenage girls who always wore designer clothes, lived in sprawling mansions, and were the most popular girls at their school. The main character, Massie Block, was this privileged, gorgeous girl who didn’t take crap from anyone. She was actually quite the bully, and is the antagonist for a majority of the series -

and I wanted to be just like her.

I was a quiet, awkward middle schooler who had braces and wore the same pair of excessively bedazzled Miss Me jeans pretty much every single day. I didn’t have a whole lot of friends, and I was a complete pushover. To me, Massie Block represented this beautiful and strong idealized version of myself that I wanted so badly to reach. I wanted to wear all designer clothing. I wanted to live in a house so gigantic that I had to wear a bell so my parents knew where I was. I wanted to have comebacks so quick that no one would dare mess with me. I wanted big boobs, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect teeth - just like Massie.

I was obsessed. I would literally sit in my room and google “how to be like Massie Block” and take notes. I read every forum, every Wikihow, every single article that even mentioned her name. I wanted to be just like her.

What my 13 year old mind failed to understand was that, no matter how much I changed my outward appearance and actions, it wouldn’t fix the emotional turmoil that I was experiencing in my mind. I thought that if I was beautiful and rich and had everything I wanted at my fingertips, that it would make me love myself. That it would make me love my body. That I would look in the mirror and absolutely adore my reflection.

And you know what? I was right.

Now, 10 years later, I have all of the things that I wanted. I have clear skin. I have straight teeth. I have designer clothing. I have gorgeous friends. I’m quick with my tongue. I still don’t have boobs, but I do have an athletic frame that can wear just about anything. I am beautiful, and I have 2000+ Instagram followers to prove it. Middle school me was right - all I needed were these things. I no longer struggle with my self-esteem, I fully know my worth.

Haha. Just kidding.

It is very rare that I look in the mirror and like what I see. I think my face is too round, my stomach isn’t flat enough, my legs are too short - and these don’t even begin to scratch the surface of my insecurities. I’m guilty of weighing myself constantly, and punishing my body when the number on the scale goes up. I go through phases where I am fully convinced that all of my friends secretly hate me, and that my boyfriend is going to realize how much of a mess I am and leave me.

So, I scroll.

My obsession with Massie Block may have dissipated, but it is now manifesting in other ways - a Pinterest filled with “body inspo” pins. Bookmarked photos of beautiful women with flowing hair and rockin’ abs on Instagram. Obsessively scrolling through the exercise tag on Tik Tok. Googling new fad diets, and taking pages of notes on them so I can lose the 3 pounds I gained over the holiday weekend. I am constantly overwhelming my brain with comparison, taking note of and obsessing over the things that I wish I was.

I, like so many people, am stuck in a vicious and unhealthy cycle - a cycle perpetuated by the belief that I am not enough. The belief that if I was just a little bit better, I would be happy -

and my friends, let me tell you: this concept leads to nowhere but the path of disappointment and shame.

You see, there is always going to be someone better. There is always going to be someone prettier, someone funnier, someone smarter - someone who has the things you don’t. And then suddenly, without you even noticing, that “little” bit of change you were trying to make has turned into an unhealthy obsession fueled by an unreachable standard.

Now, what I don’t want you to hear me saying is that you should never try to improve yourself, because that is completely untrue. There is always room for growth and improvement, and to quote my favorite author Rachel Hollis, “you should always try to be better than the person you were yesterday - even if it’s only by an inch.”

I am all for self-improvement, but the way our world tells us to go about it is, in my opinion, completely wrong. I am a firm believer that, even on your worst day, you are worthy of love and compassion- even if you are not where you want to be yet.

So, with that in mind, how can we begin to love ourselves where we are? As we are?

First and foremost, we must begin to understand and accept the fact that God isn’t finished with us yet. Philippians 1:6 says this:

“Be confident in this: that He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion until the day of Christ’s return.”

God isn’t just going to leave you where you are. In fact, He is doing little things to improve you every day, oftentimes without you even noticing. You are being molded and improved upon by your Maker every single day; He will never abandon or forsake you.

Not only that, but God’s standard of beauty is different than the world’s. You might look in the mirror and think “wow, I could lose a few pounds”, but God looks at that same reflection and smiles in adoration. He sees someone made in His image. He sees you as a work of art, made and completely adored by Him. He cherishes you. You are His masterpiece - even with that zit on the end of your nose that makes you look like Rudolph.

The way you were made is not by accident. You will never look like those people online because you’re not them. You’re you - and that is a good thing.

Once you learn to fully accept that you - yes, you reading this - is fully worthy of love exactly where you are and how you are, those mental blocks you constructed begin to crumble, and what you are left with is the kind of peace that can only be provided by being completely satisfied in your Creator.

You want a hard pill to swallow? Well, I’ll give you one:

satisfaction with yourself does not come from within, it comes from above.

Learning to love yourself is not about you - it’s about loving the one who made you. It doesn’t come from the physical and behavioral changes that you force into your routine, it comes from letting go of every single standard the world is throwing your way, and gripping firmly onto the Father.

My high school youth group pastor gave a lesson on this topic that I will never forget - he said “the more you cling to Him, the more you become like Him, and the more you become like Him, the more you become yourself.”

You want to be beautiful?

You want to be loved?

You want to be worthy?

Newsflash: you already are.

You are all of these things and more. You don’t need to edit yourself to be worthy. Even in your worst moments, even when you don’t feel like it, even when everything around you is screaming that you’re not enough, you have the freedom to sink deep into the truth that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God isn’t done with you yet. You are always getting better, and you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

You are gorgeous. You are capable. You are enough. You are intimately known by the God of the universe, and He delights in every piece of you.

When are you going to start acting like it?

_________________________

Meditating can be one of the best ways to connect with God, but if you have a busy brain (like me), all of that quiet can be overwhelming - so here are some songs to listen to while you listen for His quiet voice.

In over My Head - Bethel Music

King of Kings (Live) - Hillsong Worship

Faithful - Sarah Reeves

Your Glory / Nothing But The Blood (Live) - All Sons & Daughters

Honesty Hour

Can I be honest with you guys for a second? Like...really honest?

This post is a scary one for me to write - however, my goal from the very beginning of this blog has been to be painfully honest in hopes that something that I say will resonate with someone in this world. 

So let’s get into it, shall we?

At this time in my life, I am the most distant from God that I have been in...well, maybe ever.

It started with quarantine - all of the churches closed, so it was no longer an option to go. They did online sermons, but whenever I tried to watch, I found it incredibly difficult to focus and rarely got anything out of it.

So, I stopped trying.

Further, I have found that scrolling through Tik Tok for hours requires much less brain power than journaling/writing does, and even when I do try to write, it’s (again) hard to focus, and I rarely get anything out of it.

So, I stopped trying.

I still pray every night before I go to bed, but I have found that while I’m verbally saying the words, my brain is somewhere else completely. I can never stay 100% focused on what I’m praying, and it’s become more of an empty recitation than anything else. In fact (and I’m hesitant to even write this because I feel such shame about it), most of the time that I pray, I just want it to be over so I can go to sleep.

Can you believe that? I have the opportunity to talk to the One who created me, the One who knows me inside and out, and I would rather do...well, pretty much anything else. 

Why is that? Why did I stop trying? Why did I stop caring?

Where did that fire I had for Jesus go?

Church is open now, but instead of making the effort to go, I sleep in. My 10 pm reminder to journal still pops up on my phone every single night, and every single night I dismiss it. I know that my prayer life is nowhere near where it should be, and yet I do nothing to fix it. I have become completely comfortable with being distant from God - and that is terrifying.

The thing that makes this even scarier is that my life is actually going great. I have the full time job that I spent months praying for, and I’m moving into my own place at the end of this month. I have wonderful friends who care for me deeply, a boyfriend who loves me incredibly well, and my family is closer than we have been in a really long time -

so why do I have a knot in my stomach when I wake up every morning?

Somewhere deep down, I can feel my Spirit begging to be fed. I can physically feel the discomfort. My stomach tightens in guilt at the fact that I know there are so many things I could be doing to fix the issue, and yet I purposely turn from them. I intentionally choose sin and things of this earth, even though in the back of my mind I know that they will never satisfy me. I have been making excuses for myself since day one of quarantine, and in doing so I have become completely comfortable with being far from God.

And yet, He pursues me.

I’ve had a really hard time trying to accept this lately. I know that God will always welcome me back, but every time I think about it for too long, there’s this annoying voice that tells me that He won’t. It tells me that I don’t deserve it. It says that I’ve gone too far, and I am now somehow out of God’s reach completely.

But I had a realization today, and that realization is that God is not only a loving God, He is a relentless God. He is the kind of God that will leave the 99 for you. He is the kind of God that grabs you by your face and says “you are my child, and with you I am well pleased”, even when you have spent all of your time running from him. He’s the kind of God that waits for you with open arms, and always has the light on for when you return home. He’s the kind of God that will never stop chasing after you, and I know this for a fact because even with the complete apathy I’ve had towards my sin, I’ve felt these gentle nudges - like a voice in the back of my mind whispering “it’s time to come home.”

He actually wants me back - and He wants you back, too.

You can never run too far because there is no “too far” when it comes to God - His reach is as wide as the East is from the West. He will always find you, and when He does, He will give you the keys to the house and say “whenever you’re ready, the light is on.”

I think to fully appreciate this fact, we have to first fully appreciate God. He is the One who created the universe and everything in it - including you. The One who knows your every thought before you even think it. The One who feels your pain and walks with you through it. The One who makes the mountains melt and knows the name of every star in the sky. The One who set everything into motion at the beginning of time - that’s the God who wants to talk to you. That’s the God who is after your heart.

God always has time for you - the question is, do you have time for Him?

You can’t stop putting in effort when life gets loud. You can’t stop trying just because “you don’t feel like it”. You can’t allow yourself to keep making excuses, because if you do, you’re going to end up in the same hole I’ve been digging myself into for the last 6 months. 

He will meet you where you are, but you have to take the keys and unlock the door.

Whenever you’re ready, the light is on.

_________________________

This is a really weird time, and I know for a fact that I am not the only one struggling with the current state of my life. If you need prayer, please reach out to me! I want to create a community where praying for each other is the usual thing, so if you have any prayer, big or small, click here.

_________________________

Songs to encourage you:

Reckless Love - Cory Asbury

Rise Up (Lazarus) - CAIN

The Very Next Thing - Casting Crowns