Honesty Hour
/Can I be honest with you guys for a second? Like...really honest?
This post is a scary one for me to write - however, my goal from the very beginning of this blog has been to be painfully honest in hopes that something that I say will resonate with someone in this world.
So let’s get into it, shall we?
At this time in my life, I am the most distant from God that I have been in...well, maybe ever.
It started with quarantine - all of the churches closed, so it was no longer an option to go. They did online sermons, but whenever I tried to watch, I found it incredibly difficult to focus and rarely got anything out of it.
So, I stopped trying.
Further, I have found that scrolling through Tik Tok for hours requires much less brain power than journaling/writing does, and even when I do try to write, it’s (again) hard to focus, and I rarely get anything out of it.
So, I stopped trying.
I still pray every night before I go to bed, but I have found that while I’m verbally saying the words, my brain is somewhere else completely. I can never stay 100% focused on what I’m praying, and it’s become more of an empty recitation than anything else. In fact (and I’m hesitant to even write this because I feel such shame about it), most of the time that I pray, I just want it to be over so I can go to sleep.
Can you believe that? I have the opportunity to talk to the One who created me, the One who knows me inside and out, and I would rather do...well, pretty much anything else.
Why is that? Why did I stop trying? Why did I stop caring?
Where did that fire I had for Jesus go?
Church is open now, but instead of making the effort to go, I sleep in. My 10 pm reminder to journal still pops up on my phone every single night, and every single night I dismiss it. I know that my prayer life is nowhere near where it should be, and yet I do nothing to fix it. I have become completely comfortable with being distant from God - and that is terrifying.
The thing that makes this even scarier is that my life is actually going great. I have the full time job that I spent months praying for, and I’m moving into my own place at the end of this month. I have wonderful friends who care for me deeply, a boyfriend who loves me incredibly well, and my family is closer than we have been in a really long time -
so why do I have a knot in my stomach when I wake up every morning?
Somewhere deep down, I can feel my Spirit begging to be fed. I can physically feel the discomfort. My stomach tightens in guilt at the fact that I know there are so many things I could be doing to fix the issue, and yet I purposely turn from them. I intentionally choose sin and things of this earth, even though in the back of my mind I know that they will never satisfy me. I have been making excuses for myself since day one of quarantine, and in doing so I have become completely comfortable with being far from God.
And yet, He pursues me.
I’ve had a really hard time trying to accept this lately. I know that God will always welcome me back, but every time I think about it for too long, there’s this annoying voice that tells me that He won’t. It tells me that I don’t deserve it. It says that I’ve gone too far, and I am now somehow out of God’s reach completely.
But I had a realization today, and that realization is that God is not only a loving God, He is a relentless God. He is the kind of God that will leave the 99 for you. He is the kind of God that grabs you by your face and says “you are my child, and with you I am well pleased”, even when you have spent all of your time running from him. He’s the kind of God that waits for you with open arms, and always has the light on for when you return home. He’s the kind of God that will never stop chasing after you, and I know this for a fact because even with the complete apathy I’ve had towards my sin, I’ve felt these gentle nudges - like a voice in the back of my mind whispering “it’s time to come home.”
He actually wants me back - and He wants you back, too.
You can never run too far because there is no “too far” when it comes to God - His reach is as wide as the East is from the West. He will always find you, and when He does, He will give you the keys to the house and say “whenever you’re ready, the light is on.”
I think to fully appreciate this fact, we have to first fully appreciate God. He is the One who created the universe and everything in it - including you. The One who knows your every thought before you even think it. The One who feels your pain and walks with you through it. The One who makes the mountains melt and knows the name of every star in the sky. The One who set everything into motion at the beginning of time - that’s the God who wants to talk to you. That’s the God who is after your heart.
God always has time for you - the question is, do you have time for Him?
You can’t stop putting in effort when life gets loud. You can’t stop trying just because “you don’t feel like it”. You can’t allow yourself to keep making excuses, because if you do, you’re going to end up in the same hole I’ve been digging myself into for the last 6 months.
He will meet you where you are, but you have to take the keys and unlock the door.
Whenever you’re ready, the light is on.
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This is a really weird time, and I know for a fact that I am not the only one struggling with the current state of my life. If you need prayer, please reach out to me! I want to create a community where praying for each other is the usual thing, so if you have any prayer, big or small, click here.
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Songs to encourage you:
Reckless Love - Cory Asbury
Rise Up (Lazarus) - CAIN
The Very Next Thing - Casting Crowns