Honesty Hour

Can I be honest with you guys for a second? Like...really honest?

This post is a scary one for me to write - however, my goal from the very beginning of this blog has been to be painfully honest in hopes that something that I say will resonate with someone in this world. 

So let’s get into it, shall we?

At this time in my life, I am the most distant from God that I have been in...well, maybe ever.

It started with quarantine - all of the churches closed, so it was no longer an option to go. They did online sermons, but whenever I tried to watch, I found it incredibly difficult to focus and rarely got anything out of it.

So, I stopped trying.

Further, I have found that scrolling through Tik Tok for hours requires much less brain power than journaling/writing does, and even when I do try to write, it’s (again) hard to focus, and I rarely get anything out of it.

So, I stopped trying.

I still pray every night before I go to bed, but I have found that while I’m verbally saying the words, my brain is somewhere else completely. I can never stay 100% focused on what I’m praying, and it’s become more of an empty recitation than anything else. In fact (and I’m hesitant to even write this because I feel such shame about it), most of the time that I pray, I just want it to be over so I can go to sleep.

Can you believe that? I have the opportunity to talk to the One who created me, the One who knows me inside and out, and I would rather do...well, pretty much anything else. 

Why is that? Why did I stop trying? Why did I stop caring?

Where did that fire I had for Jesus go?

Church is open now, but instead of making the effort to go, I sleep in. My 10 pm reminder to journal still pops up on my phone every single night, and every single night I dismiss it. I know that my prayer life is nowhere near where it should be, and yet I do nothing to fix it. I have become completely comfortable with being distant from God - and that is terrifying.

The thing that makes this even scarier is that my life is actually going great. I have the full time job that I spent months praying for, and I’m moving into my own place at the end of this month. I have wonderful friends who care for me deeply, a boyfriend who loves me incredibly well, and my family is closer than we have been in a really long time -

so why do I have a knot in my stomach when I wake up every morning?

Somewhere deep down, I can feel my Spirit begging to be fed. I can physically feel the discomfort. My stomach tightens in guilt at the fact that I know there are so many things I could be doing to fix the issue, and yet I purposely turn from them. I intentionally choose sin and things of this earth, even though in the back of my mind I know that they will never satisfy me. I have been making excuses for myself since day one of quarantine, and in doing so I have become completely comfortable with being far from God.

And yet, He pursues me.

I’ve had a really hard time trying to accept this lately. I know that God will always welcome me back, but every time I think about it for too long, there’s this annoying voice that tells me that He won’t. It tells me that I don’t deserve it. It says that I’ve gone too far, and I am now somehow out of God’s reach completely.

But I had a realization today, and that realization is that God is not only a loving God, He is a relentless God. He is the kind of God that will leave the 99 for you. He is the kind of God that grabs you by your face and says “you are my child, and with you I am well pleased”, even when you have spent all of your time running from him. He’s the kind of God that waits for you with open arms, and always has the light on for when you return home. He’s the kind of God that will never stop chasing after you, and I know this for a fact because even with the complete apathy I’ve had towards my sin, I’ve felt these gentle nudges - like a voice in the back of my mind whispering “it’s time to come home.”

He actually wants me back - and He wants you back, too.

You can never run too far because there is no “too far” when it comes to God - His reach is as wide as the East is from the West. He will always find you, and when He does, He will give you the keys to the house and say “whenever you’re ready, the light is on.”

I think to fully appreciate this fact, we have to first fully appreciate God. He is the One who created the universe and everything in it - including you. The One who knows your every thought before you even think it. The One who feels your pain and walks with you through it. The One who makes the mountains melt and knows the name of every star in the sky. The One who set everything into motion at the beginning of time - that’s the God who wants to talk to you. That’s the God who is after your heart.

God always has time for you - the question is, do you have time for Him?

You can’t stop putting in effort when life gets loud. You can’t stop trying just because “you don’t feel like it”. You can’t allow yourself to keep making excuses, because if you do, you’re going to end up in the same hole I’ve been digging myself into for the last 6 months. 

He will meet you where you are, but you have to take the keys and unlock the door.

Whenever you’re ready, the light is on.

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This is a really weird time, and I know for a fact that I am not the only one struggling with the current state of my life. If you need prayer, please reach out to me! I want to create a community where praying for each other is the usual thing, so if you have any prayer, big or small, click here.

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Songs to encourage you:

Reckless Love - Cory Asbury

Rise Up (Lazarus) - CAIN

The Very Next Thing - Casting Crowns

Clout Christianity

“I feel like your blog is…well, for lack of a better word, heretical”

“I’ve been talking with some of the other girls in our group and we all agreed…you should post less pictures of yourself”

”Have you ever heard of Girl Defined? They talk about wearing makeup in a God-honoring way, you should really check it out”

“Wait, he’s gay? And you’re still friends? Aren’t you like…shining a negative light on God?”

Sigh.

These are all real things that people have said to me. These are actual statements made by actual Christians. And this is only a handful of things that have been said to me regarding my faith.

Today’s blog is going to be a little different, y’all. Buckle up.

I want to talk about Clout Christianity.

I want to talk about the side of Christianity that tries to make Jesus “trendy”. I want to talk about the side of Christianity that cares about favorites. I want to talk about the side of Christianity that wastes energy on nitpicking. I want to talk about the side of Christianity that is so focused on other Christians that it has completely lost sight of the ultimate mission.

This side of Christianity (which I have nicknamed “Clout Christianity”) is becoming more and more prominent. I see it all the time on social media - Christians picking fights with other Christians about the tiniest of things and tearing each other down in the name of “correction”. They spend so much energy criticizing one another, and then they call it “being loving"“.

Here’s the thing though: Clout Christianity is not loving. It just portrays itself that way. It’s very sneaky - its words can look like a kiss, but in reality, they’re a slap in the face.

Clout Christianity cares about one thing: clout.

Favorites. Likes. Double-taps. Views. Shares. Comments from other Christians saying “preach!” or “amen!” All things that can be great - to an extent.

You see, at some point, those posts that they claim are “to share truth” become a way to gain popularity. Their content becomes more targeted towards those that are already saved, which, in turn, gains them more likes and more followers (who are all - yes, you guessed it - saved).

Not only that, but they spend a lot of their time starting arguments on social media - and most of the time, these arguments are with other Christians. The topics of these disagreements vary, but if I had to use one word to describe them, it would be nitpick-y. These arguments are masqueraded as showing truth to one another, but are actually based on proving who has more theological knowledge.

“But Bailey, we’re called to lovingly correct our brothers and sisters in Christ! Haven’t you read Matthew 18?”

I’m so glad you asked, because yes…yes I have.

Let’s go over it together, shall we?

Matthew 18 verses 15 through 17 -

“If another believer sins, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. If they still don’t accept, treat them as a pagan.”

So yes, we are absolutely called to correct our brothers & sisters in Christ - but correct them in what?

SIN.

The only time that you are called to correct another believer is if they are blatantly sinning. If they are doing something detrimental to their faith -

Not if they wear too much makeup.

Not if they have gay friends.

Not if they read a different translation of the Bible than you.

There will always be room for dispute when it comes to translating the Bible. It is the word of God, but how many times can one verse be translated among different people? I mean, look at how many different denominations there are!

My point is, stop focusing on the things that don’t matter. Stop tearing down other believers. Everyone who believes that Jesus died for our sins & conquered death is on the same team - and it’s about time we start acting like it.

Church, when did we become so dang nitpick-y?

We have got to stop judging one another and calling it correction. Once we realize that we all have the same end goal - which is to grow the kingdom of God & spread the Good News to those who don’t yet know Him - there is so much more room to put love on display. Once we realize that, we can truly be a people bent on changing the world - an unstoppable force that is not hypocritical, but full of truth, love, and righteousness.

So, Clout Christian, I leave you with this question: who are you really posting for? Are you truly trying to reach the unreached, or are you trying to get a “yes & amen” from an audience that’s already saved?

Burn the House Down

I am currently in what has probably been the hardest season of my life.

Events transpired that I was sure I wasn’t going to recover from. I was in so much emotional pain that I couldn’t eat or get out of bed for days at a time. It felt like someone had burnt my house the ground.

I used that metaphor a lot, because it was the only way I could put what I was feeling into words. It felt like someone burnt my house to the ground.

And I guess God heard me say that.

On my way to church today, I saw an enormous cloud of smoke. Now, I don’t know much about fire, but what I do know is that dark grey means that whatever is burning is still currently burning, whereas white means that the fire has been extinguished - and this cloud was dark grey.

As I drove closer, I could see the source: a house seated on top of a hill that was completely engulfed in flames.

I didn’t see any emergency vehicles outside of the home, so I pulled out my phone and typed in 911. I was still on the interstate, but I knew what exit the house was closest to. My finger hovered over the dial button, but then I saw a sheriff drive by. I exhaled, thinking that he was on his way to help, but became nervous again when I noticed his lights weren’t on. Was I the only one seeing this fire? What if there are people inside? Should I call 911, or is it under control?

I thought about these questions all the way to church. With 911 still typed into my keypad, I parked and got out of my car. You could see the smoke from the parking lot, and other people were definitely noticing it. Surely one of these people called the fire department, right?

My mental debate was interrupted by one of the parking attendants telling me good morning. I smiled and said good morning back, but then I stopped.

“Hey there’s a house on fire over there, do you think I should call 911? Or do you think someone has already done it?”

The minute the words left my mouth I internally cringed. It felt like a silly question to ask the man who had helped me park, because - to my knowledge - he had the same amount of information I had.

“Oh, no need!” he replied. “My brother actually works for the fire department, that’s an intentional burn.”

I’m sorry…did he just say “intentional burn?”

“I was confused because the house looked so nice,” he continued. “It had a really pretty exterior. I guess it was more of an internal problem.”

Internal problem? Intentional burn?

These words echoed around in my mind on my walk into the building. Internal problem. Intentional burn.

Click.

Queue the tears.

I had been saying for months that it felt like someone had burnt my house to the ground. I was so broken down and angry with God, because it felt like all of the things that I cared about the most were taken away from me. I felt so empty and out of control.

I couldn’t see it a few months ago, but I realize now that the “house” I lived in was disgustingly unhealthy. Yes, I looked put together and pretty on the outside, but on the inside I was constantly anxious. I had become comfortable with being uncomfortable. The situation that I was in was completely hindering my growth, but because it was familiar, I wanted to stay in it - and I would have if God hadn’t stepped in.

If God hadn’t allowed fire to be set to my metaphorical house - my plans, my relationships, all of it - I would have settled for the mediocrity I was living in. I would have stayed right where I was, as the person I was. I had no idea how harmful my thinking patterns were and how little I valued myself. I had absolutely no idea that my mental state was as toxic as it was.

If I could see how unsound my house was at the beginning of all of this…I would have set fire to it myself.

I couldn’t see it though. Thank goodness that God did, and He cared enough to remove me from it.

If I’ve learned one thing through this incredibly difficult season, it’s that the presence of hardships does not negate the presence of God. God loves and cares about you enough to allow trials and difficult seasons into your life so that you can grow. Pain allows us to become more like Jesus.

I won’t lie, growing is painful. It hurts to grow. But the person that you become on the other side of the trial is a person worth meeting.

I mean it when I say I wouldn’t change a thing about these last few months. It has been incredibly difficult, but you know what? I don’t hate myself anymore. I’m surrounded by people who love me. Jesus has filled holes in my heart that I didn’t even know were there.

I’m still rebuilding my house, and some days are better than others - but at least now I have a firm foundation to build upon. In the midst of the storm, I have hope.

It’s crazy how Jesus works. It feels dichotomous - that even in the middle of incredible sorrow, he can give you joy. He can give you hope. He can restore you.

All you gotta do is ask Him.

I know that some of you may be going through a difficult season right now too. If you need prayer, click here.

You are so well loved and looked after.

Just because life sucks right now doesn’t mean that He has forgotten about you.

And hey - this season isn’t going to last forever. Joy is coming.

(If you don’t believe me, read Job).

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Songs to listen to in this season:

Come to Me (Spontaneous) - Bethel Music, Jenn Johnson, Brian Johnson

Head Above Water - Avril Lavigne

Raise a Hallelujah (Live) - Bethel Music, Jonathan David Helser

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