Battleground

I had a panic attack a few nights ago.

It had been years since I’d had one, or at least one of that scale. I couldn’t catch my breath, my stomach was in knots, and even though all I wanted to do was sleep, I laid wide awake in my queen size.

I stayed up almost the entire night, and boy did I pay for it the next day. Upon arriving at my office, I sluggishly made my way over to the espresso machine and downed a double shot. I sat at my desk, exhausted, and still not fully recovered from the overwhelming emotions of night before.

I went through the motions, doing what I needed to do: answer emails, make phone calls, drink more espresso - ya know, adult things.

When 5 o’clock rolled around, I packed up my things, closed the office, and drove home. After eating some lukewarm leftovers for dinner (I definitely could have microwaved them longer, but my espresso had just worn off), I sat on the couch and pulled out my phone, intending to scroll through Tik Tok until my eyelids felt heavy enough to go to sleep.

As I sat down though, something caught my eye - it was a book that my boyfriend’s mom purchased for me awhile back called “Get Out of Your Head.” I looked back down at my phone, but something in me forced my attention back to the book. Okay God, I thought, I’ll bite.

Author Jennie Allen had me fully invested after the first 5 sentences. In a gorgeous combination of Theology and neuroscience, she explains how the enemy has taken control of our minds, and how he continues to attack not by outright hurting us, but by using our own thoughts to trap us in endless spirals of anxiety.

Yikes.

My panic attack from a few nights prior was brought on by one of these spirals. At some point during the day, my boyfriend had replied to something that I had said with low enthusiasm.

“He’s losing interest in you” my enemy whispered, “he is going to leave you.”

And just like that, my brain had jumped all the way from A to Z, filling in every single blank along the way. With little to no evidence, I had come to the conclusion that the love of my life was no longer attracted to me, never actually loved me, and the only reason that our relationship has gone on as long as it has is because he’s too scared to tell me that he doesn’t want to be with me.

Woah.

I wasn’t up all night worrying about something that had actually happened to me - no, the reason that I was sleepless and exhausted was because of a scenario that never even happened. I made myself miserable, and all the enemy had to do was make a suggestion.

Is my psyche really that fragile? Are my thoughts truly that easily persuaded? I sat in bed pondering these things, wondering where else I had allowed such lies to take root.

It became clear to me that in almost every area of my life, I was under mental attack - anxious about my relationship, ungrateful for my job, lazy in my scripture reading & church attendance…the list went on and on, and by the end of it, there were more areas of my life that the devil was digging his ugly hands into than not.

And that really pissed me off.

I didn’t want to be numb anymore. I didn’t want to be anxious anymore. I wanted to feel like myself again. I wanted to feel confident and sure, and thankfully, I knew exactly where to start (shoutout Jennie Allen).

I drew a mental map of everything that was bothering me, along with all of the possible outcomes that my brain could possibly imagine. I then forced myself to read every single one out loud, and you know what? They all sounded absolutely ridiculous.

Don’t get me wrong, it took a couple of readings before the ridiculousness actually came out - the first couple of times I was still like “yeah, that makes sense.”

But you see, it’s very easy for us to get lost in our own brains. We are able to take something that is completely preposterous in the real world and then rationalize it, giving it a permanent home in our minds. We fixate and stew and mull it over again and again and again, and each time we think that thought, it starts to feel more real.

But it’s not real. It’s just a thought. And what are we called to do with our thoughts?

Submit them to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says:

“We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.”

Did you get that? Every. Single. Thought.

Every thought that enters and leaves your wrinkled brain is to be submitted to Christ - whether it’s about something serious or something mundane. If we do not submit our thoughts to Christ, our minds become a playground for the devil to run rampant. He will take any and every opportunity you give him to wreak havoc, and he will use the greatest weapon that he can to take you down - yourself.

The war we are fighting is not in front of us, but inside of us. The enemy is picking fights between our ears, and we’re not only allowing it, we’re encouraging it. Every single time that we indulge in the anxious thoughts he whispers in our ear, we are falling for his trap.

No more.

It’s time to wake up.

This is war.

Now, hear me say that wars are not won overnight. Unraveling all of the lies that he has so deeply woven into your subconscious are going to take awhile to locate and uproot. You are going to need to give yourself time, and most of all, grace.

I realize now that a lot of my anxious thoughts have roots deeper than the initial thought itself - things like “I am unloveable” and “I am worthless” are the culprits behind the crimes my brain commits against itself.

Let’s take my recent panic attack for example. What started with a mildly unenthusiastic word from my boyfriend jumped to:

> I’m annoying him.

> I’ve probably been annoying him for awhile now.

> I need to stop talking so much so I don’t annoy him.

> He’s going to leave me if I keep annoying him.

> He wants to leave, but he’s too scared to.

> He doesn’t actually love me anymore.

> I annoy everyone.

> Everyone leaves me.

> I am unlovable.

I know I’m not the only one who does this. I know that this is one of the most common forms of attack the enemy uses because it’s so sneaky that majority of the time we don’t even know it’s happening.

It starts with a thought, and ends in a never-ending spiral. The devil hands us a shovel, and we dig ourselves a 6-foot grave and jump right in.

We have got to get ahold of ourselves.

Or, rather, let Christ take ahold of us.

A lot of our anxious thoughts go back to our illusion of control. We have this delusion that if we worry about something enough, we’ll be prepared for it when it happens and therefore will lessen the negative effects - which is exactly what I said, a delusion.

How do I know that?

Well, for starters, my boyfriend and I are still together.

I spent an entire night fixating on an issue that didn’t exist outside of my mind. I was up all night panicking about what could happen, and it never even happened.

I told him about my ridiculous spiral the next day. He first assured me that he wasn’t going to leave me, and then followed it up with “don’t be dumb.”

We cannot keep letting the devil’s whispers run free in our minds. Your brain is a precious creation, given to you in full complexity from the One who understands it best because He created you. He knows every thought that you think before your synapses even have time to fire - let Him take care of the anxious ones.

Don’t allow yourself to be crushed under the weight of your thoughts. Your brain is a battleground, and the only way for you to win the war is to grab every thought by the neck and force it to submit to Jesus - He will take it from there.

Submitting your thoughts to Christ doesn’t mean that the bad thoughts go away - it’s actively choosing to have confidence in the fact that the One who sits on the throne is in control of your life, and that wasting another second worrying is a waste of the precious time He has given you on this earth. It’s knowing that your thoughts have no actual power over you, but Christ has executive power over them.

The battle is already won. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted by your anxiety any longer. Do not dwell on the things that could be or should be, but instead, set your mind on the Truth: Jesus decided that you were to die for, and in doing so, took on the burden of sin that you could not carry. Cast your anxieties onto Him, for He cares for you.


Link to Get Out of Your Head:


*Disclaimer - as someone who studied psychology in college and suffers from hereditary anxiety, I know that many of you reading this experience a kind of anxiety that is rooted solely in the chemicals of your brain. Please do not read this and think that I am saying “just pray it away” or anything of the sort. While I do believe that God can do anything, including heal mental illness, I am not blind to the dark reality of anxiety and depression that exists in millions of people’s lives. While you can still choose to submit your thoughts to Christ, there is no shame in seeking treatment in the forms of therapy or medication. Going to therapy has been one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Some anxieties simply cannot be managed by yourself, so do not feel like you need to do it all alone. Asking for help is not weak, it is brave.

Stand Up and Fight

My anxiety has been kicking my butt lately.

The thing is, nothing is really going on. Other than the normal amount of stress than accompanies school, I have absolutely nothing to be anxious about - yet I constantly have this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and dread that something bad is going to happen. It has become such a familiar feeling that I’ve grown completely numb to its presence in my life. I don’t even try to remove it anymore; it’s like a dark passenger that’s just along for the ride. Every step I take, it’s right there with me.

This has begun to impact my spiritual life. I keep calling out to God to remove this thorn in my side, but He doesn’t - and I get frustrated. I’m so unfocused that even doing the smallest of tasks like reading my Bible or journaling feel pointless. I find my mind drifting off to a dark place. A sinful place.

This has been going on for weeks. I was in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. I couldn’t hear God’s voice, and I was beginning to think that He wasn’t even listening to my prayers.

And then He came down and delivered the most powerful spiritual uppercut that I have ever received.

I was trying to do some Bible reading, and I could feel my mind beginning to drift and think about other things. I was determined to focus though - I was so tired of this anxiety - so I audibly yelled “NO” and pushed those thoughts out.

And all of a sudden it clicked.

I have the strength in me to say no.

A light in my brain turned on and illuminated all of the darkness that I had been sitting in for weeks. All of the crap that I had been holding onto, all of the sinful thoughts, all of the guilt and shame and anxiety that I was feeling was bathed in light, and it was in that moment that I realized that all of that bad stuff had absolutely no power over me.

And then God spoke.

Stand up and fight,” He said.

Stand up and fight.

I had spent weeks playing victim to my anxious thoughts. I had let them completely consume the precious space in my head. I thought that there was nothing I could do about it, and that this darkness that I was feeling was something that I was stuck with. The enemy had convinced me that I had no power over my own thoughts - how ridiculous is that?

We are a sinful people. It’s in our nature to sin. It’s literally bred into us. The cool thing is however, that while it is our tendency to lean towards sin, through Christ we have the ability to say no. We have the power to crush every negative thought that passes through our minds. The same spirit that brought Jesus back from the grave is alive in us. The same spirit that triumphed over sin is alive in us.

We are no longer victims to our anxiety.

We are no longer victims to our sin.

Jesus dying on the cross ensured that we never have to be victims again.

After all of this, God lead me to 1 Timothy 6:11-12. It says this:

“But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life that you have been called to.”

It goes on to say this in verse 20:

Guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from the godless chatter and false knowledge of the world that has been professed, and in doing so has wandered from faith.”

God created your mind to be a dwelling place for Him. Your brain is a sacred place in which God communicates with you and reveals to you his purpose, as well as His love and grace. Your mind is not a place for anxiety. It is not a place for sin. By feeding into those feelings and thoughts, you’re desecrating the precious gift that God has given to you. The enemy is going to lie to you and tell you that you’re not strong enough to change your mind. You don’t deserve to be happy. This is just how things are. He will tell you anything he can to ensure that your mind stays dark -

Don’t believe him.

It’s a daily battle. You have to want to overcome it - and I have faith that you can. Dive into your Bible, even when you don’t feel like it. Arm yourself with the goodness of the word of God. Your strongest weapon against the enemy is the truth of the Gospel.

You don’t have to be a victim anymore.

You deserve a clear mind.

You have the power to say no.

Stand up and fight.

_________________________

Songs that are sure to pump you up for battle:

You Make Me Brave - Amanda Cook, Bethel Music

Singing in the Victory - Austin Stone Worship

Gravity - Jenn Johnson, Brian Johnson

I Love You - Sarah Reeves

Call Upon the Lord - Elevation Worship

_________________________

Like what you see? Subscribe at the bottom of the homepage to be sure you don't miss a post!

xo

@thelightclctive

Hot Mess

My dating life is a complete mess.

It's been a mess for awhile - since second semester my junior year of high school, to be exact.

Going into my freshman year of college, I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship with a boy that I had started dating in high school. He was sweet and funny, and we shared a lot of common interests. When that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity. 

Yet I still thought that I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a couple months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was mysterious and artistic, and he made me mixtapes filled with all kinds of incredible music. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Fast forward a few more months and we've broken up, and I immediately start talking to another boy. He was a Christian and went to church with me, prayed with me, took me on dates, and was respectful. When all of that dissolved however, our relationship was filled with unhappiness, lies, incessant fighting, and impurity.

Yet I still thought I wanted to marry him.

Are you seeing the pattern yet?

All of my romantic relationships have followed the same timeline. For the first few months, it's amazing. It's exciting getting to know someone and go on dates and ride that "honeymoon high." I do everything I can to make the guy happy, even if it means compromising my morals to do so. Eventually, when the excitement fades, communication becomes sparse and I'm filled with anxiety. Not wanting to put myself through a breakup, this is about the time that I start compromising my morals to try to get them to stay. It never works, the fighting continues and escalates, and it results in a breakup. Every. Single. Time.

You would think that after years of repetition, I would figure out what I was doing wrong and fix it. It wasn't until this summer that I finally found the key.

You see, I really desire marriage - I spend way too much time thinking about the ring, the dress, the venue... spending eternity with the person I love is my dream. I want it so badly that it clouds my judgment in relationships and makes me want to hold onto the wrong boys.

After my last boyfriend and I broke up, I wrote a letter to God. In the letter, I wrote:

"I give my heart away to any person who asks for it. I'm tired, Father. I'm tired of trying to find satisfaction in boys when you're the only one who can satisfy. Tonight, I only have one request - that you take my heart in its entirety and hold onto it until the right boy comes. Until then, keep it safe and protected, guard it, and fill it in the way that only You can."

And let me tell you -

God did some wild things.

Instead of feeling broken and devastated the next morning (as you usually do after a breakup), I felt peaceful. Don't get me wrong, a lot of pain was still there - but amidst all of the pain I felt this gentle, incredible warmth. It was like I was being wrapped in a gigantic hug, and it stayed with me throughout the day.

Day by day, I got stronger. More independent.

I started reading my Bible and journaling more. Instead of writing normal prayers, it was kind of like having a pen pal - I told Him how my day went and was honest about my feelings. I shared everything ranging from my most anxious of thoughts to my loftiest dream.

I started to take better care of myself. Not because I wanted to impress anyone, but because I wanted to take better care of the body God created for me. I got on a regular exercise regimen and cut out sugar, and I started getting more sleep a night.

And then something amazing happened.

I woke up one day and felt total satisfaction. I can't even describe it, I feel like a totally new person. Every person that I see gets a smile, and I have this overwhelming urge to tell everyone how amazing and loved they are. I look in the mirror and I adore my reflection. I go to church and I worship with both hands up without a care in the world. I've stopped blaming myself for everything, and I feel at peace with mistakes that I had made in the past. I have fallen completely in love with myself -

and it's all because I have completely fallen in love with Jesus.

Psalm 139:13 says:

"You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well."

God made your heart, you can trust Him to take care of it. I was a hot mess for so long, but when I gave Jesus my whole heart, He filled me to the brim with love. He satisfied my every want. This is truly the best thing that I have ever done for myself; I have never felt so secure. I no longer seek comfort from boys, and in fact, I don't even feel like I need a boyfriend - I've got other things to do!

What I realized is that I spent so much time pining after a marriage and the future that I wasn't enjoying what was right in front of me. I was living in a "what if" world, and it kept me from feeling satisfied. God was blessing me with gift after gift, and I was so focused on my future that I didn't even notice.

I don't want to miss any more time - these are years of my life that I can never get back. I want to live them as fully as possible, so someday when I actually am married I can look back and feel content knowing that I took nothing for granted. That "someday" could be 5 years from now, or it could be 15 -

why would I waste that precious time worrying about my future when it's already taken care of?

Learn to trust in His perfect timing.

Learn to live in the present, it truly is a gift.

Learn to love Jesus. It'll help you love yourself more. It'll help you love others more.

_________________________

Songs to listen to while you learn to love yourself (and be completely satisfied in Jesus!):

Something About You - Sarah Reeves

Shadow Step - Hillsong United

Found in You - Vertical Worship

You Make Me Brave - Amanda Cook, Bethel Music

Let Them See You - JJ Weeks Band

_________________________

Like what you see? Subscribe at the bottom of the homepage to be sure you don't miss a post!

xo

@thelightclctive

Attitude Adjustment

I catch myself complaining a lot...like a lot a lot. A ridiculous amount. It's like some kind of sick talent - I can turn any situation into something negative to be complained about. Just this morning, I woke up and noticed that I had developed a large red zit on my cheek over night. Even though the rest of my skin still looked good, I just couldn't look past that one zit. It drove me crazy, and I talked about it for ten minutes. Yeah, you heard me right - ten. Ten whole minutes of my life wasted on a small bump on my cheek. How ridiculous is that?

We all do it though. Everyone has something to complain about, which got me thinking - why do we complain?

I was thinking about this question all night, and when I woke up this morning it hit me: we complain because we think we deserve better - better skin, a better job with higher income, better friends, a better body, just better. 

This got me thinking about a second question: why do we think we deserve better?

Today, I want to talk to you about a silent killer - pride. 

Pride defined is a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements. I say "silent killer" because most of the time we don't notice it. Pride is sneaky, making it a sin that's easy to commit. It's easy to correct a behavior when you notice yourself physically doing it, like disrespecting your parents or lying. It's much harder when that behavior is internal - and when literally everyone around you is doing the same thing.

Our world teaches us that if we want something, we should be able to get it. It teaches us that life should be fair, so it hands out participation trophies and stickers that say "A for effort!" This embeds in us the idea that no matter what we do, we deserve a reward, which in turn boosts our pride. 

Don't get me wrong, it's good in small doses. It's good to be proud of yourself for getting an A on a test that you studied really hard for, or when you achieve a personal goal. It becomes dangerous when you begin to feel entitled. It becomes dangerous when you start to feel like you deserve something that someone else has. It becomes dangerous when you begin to see yourself as better than someone else. It's dangerous when your attitude becomes "I am great, look and see what I have done."

I think we all need an attitude adjustment.

It starts with shifting our thinking. Instead of "I deserve that," think "God has given me what I have for a reason."

"They're not as good as me" to "they are my brother/sister in Christ."

"I am great, look and see what I have done" to "God is great, look and see what great things He has done."

You see, pride is self-glorification. When you allow yourself to be overcome with pride, you're taking the spotlight that should be on God and putting it on yourself. You're saying that you deserve more glory than - wait for it - the Creator of the universe.

When Jesus came to earth, he came in a manger. His mother and father didn't have much. He worked as a carpenter. He was fully God, yet He came has a humble servant. Philippians 2:5-8 says:

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, and took the very nature of a servant, made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death - even death on a cross!"

Jesus set the perfect example of what humility looks like and called us to follow. The passage in Philippians goes on to say that because of His obedience and willingness to put the entire world before Himself, God exalted Him and gave Him the highest of honors. God rewarded Jesus's humility -

He'll do the same for you. 

In a world that teaches us to be prideful, let us instead be humble.

It's way more fulfilling.

_________________________

Here's some songs about how awesome Jesus is (there's no one like Him!):

Lamb of God - Vertical Worship

Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace) - Hillsong Worship

Reckless Love - Cory Asbury

In His Image

If you follow me on twitter, then you know that a few days ago I tweeted out that I wanted suggestions for what to post about next. I received so many wonderful ideas (they're all stored away in my notebook), but the most common topic of interest by far was self love.

I've spent a lot of time in prayer lately specifically asking God to make my heart hurt for what makes His heart hurt, and having so many of you beautiful young ladies telling me you need to learn how to love yourselves nearly broke my heart in two. 

You see, we live in a world that has laid out in black and white ink what it means to be "beautiful." The world says that in order to be "beautiful" you have to have clear skin and straight teeth and shiny hair. The world says that in order to be "beautiful" you have to have a lot of money and a successful career. The world says that in order to be "beautiful" you have to be as skinny as a Victoria's Secret model - and if you don't fit the bill, the world knows how to make you feel so absolutely terrible about yourself that you feel compelled to change and conform.

But there are a few very important things I want you to keep in mind.

When the Bible says that you are made in the image of God, it's not talking about the human race as a whole. The "you" it's referring to is you specifically. 

Yes, you.

The one reading this. 

You are made in the image of God -

and my goodness He is beautiful.

There are so many verses that talk about the beauty of Christ -

Psalm 27:4 - “One thing I have asked of the Lord: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.”

Isaiah 28:5 - "Then at last the LORD of Heaven's Armies will himself be Israel's glorious and beautiful crown. He will be the pride and joy of the remnant of his people."

Isaiah 33:17 - "Your eyes will see the King in His beauty and view a land that stretches afar."

- and those are just a few. People in both the Old and New Testaments wrote about the unmatchable beauty of God. He is gorgeous beyond measure, and He thought you were good enough to make in His very own image. Not only that, but He hand selected each of your traits.

Think about the thing that you dislike most about yourself, whether it be physically or personality wise. Would you hate this thing so much if you thought about it as a gift specially designed for you?

Because that's exactly what it is.

God put thought into every aspect of you. He took time knitting you together in the womb. He picked the color of your eyes and thickness of your hair. He chose how deep your voice is and the sound of your laugh. He picked the size of your feet and drew the lines of your fingerprints. He put dreams in your head and desires in your heart. His work can be seen in the tiniest details of you. 

God does not see you the way you see you. He looks at you and sees nothing but beauty - and if the Author of Life looks at you like that, you have 100% permission to look at yourself in that same way...and you absolutely should. 

You are a beautiful creation made in His image.

He made you exactly how you are supposed to be.

 He doesn't make mistakes.

You are beautiful by His standards -

and His opinion is the only one that matters. 

___________

P.S. - if you like music, here's a couple awesome songs that I think compliment this message!

Details - Sarah Reeves

Beloved - Jordan Feliz

Learning to Walk

I'm back!

I haven't been able to post for awhile because I was sick with some kind of terrible plague (and by plague, I mean a head cold - but it felt like the plague). I'm better now though, so let's do this!

I recently attended a Salt Company retreat at a cute little camp called Hidden Acres. Mark Vance (a pastor at Cornerstone Church in Ames) spoke, & I swear some of the things he said were meant specifically for me. I left feeling filled to the brim with love for Jesus. 

One of the things that he talked about was the story of the prodigal son from Luke 15. If you're unfamiliar with this story, let me fill you in:

Basically a father has two sons. The older of the sons is hardworking & determined to make the father proud, while the younger is irresponsible & resentful towards him. One day, the younger of the two sons tells his dad that he wants his inheritance immediately, then takes his money & goes into the city where he blows his entire life's savings on gambling, prostitutes, and other worldly pleasures. Eventually, he comes to the realization that he's going to have to return to his father if he wants food or a roof over his head. On the journey home, he rehearses what he's going to say to his father the entire time: "Father, I have sinned against heaven & against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your slaves." He knew that he messed up & was ready to live the life of a slave.

However, before he had even stepped foot on the property, his father saw him and ran to him. Instead of the rage & disappointment he expected, he was met with compassion and love from his father. He threw a big party in honor of his arriving home. 

Wait, what?

I think we can all agree that he messed up pretty badly, so why on earth did his father throw a welcome home party? Well, the answer is simple really - 

because he loves him. 

Think of it this way: he didn't care how badly he messed up, he was just overjoyed by the fact that his son was home!

The coolest part is that this is exactly how God looks at us. 

We sin constantly. Not a single day goes by where we don't sin. Not one. Yet our Heavenly Father loves us the exact same. No matter how far we stray, how often we sin, or how badly we mess up, He loves us the exact same. 

It was explained to me this way: 

Let's say it's a couple years down the road & you have a baby, & that baby is just learning how to walk. They stumble about, sometimes running into things, sometimes hurting themselves, and toppling over often. They take a few steps, but then they fall down. Would you be angry with them for falling? Of course not! You would be overjoyed by their stumbling, because that means that they're developing correctly. 

God doesn't look at your sin with disappointment, Jesus took care of that. Because of the cross He looks at us with nothing but warm smiles and the love of a parent. He knows that you're not perfect & that you're going to mess up (a lot!), but He is glowing at the fact that you're bumbling and stumbling around because it means that you're trying to walk towards Him. 

You are allowed to mess up. Don't beat yourself up over it.

He loves you no matter what, & He is oh so proud of you.

Keep stumbling baby!